Our Sick Game 2014

Ewing Oil continued its recent hot streak yesterday with the death of television icon Merv Griffin. Griffin's death of cancer at the age of 82 adds another 18 points to Ewing Oil's total and has cut the Sweet Valley Death lead to 164-95. This also marks Ewing Oil's fifth unanswered death, after being shut out completely through the first six months of the season.

"We knew Merv would come through for us just like the pro he is," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "Everything is starting to click right now for us. We preach accountability around here and Merv has illustrated what it's like to pay the price for success."

The Ewing Oil spokesperson also used the opportunity of Griffin's passing to call out rival Sweet Valley Death.

"You look at the score right now (164-95) and without Anna Nicole, this would be an 8-point game. 8 points! For six months they wouldn't shut up about how great they are, and how the season was over, so why not just divide the season into two halves? Baloney! Granted, S.V.D. hit the jackpot when that fat pig overdosed, but like I said, without her it is an 8-point game. And we cut into that lead in just over 30 days time. Last season, it only won the championship because of our careless use of an insurance policy. If you ask me, S.V.D. is all bark and no bite until it proves otherwise."

With seven months now in the books, Ewing Oil has finally cut into Sweet Valley Death's lead to make the score 164-77. A recap:

Sweet Valley Death:
January -- Art Buchwald, 19
February -- Anna Nicole Smith, 61
March -- Ernest Gallo, 3
April -- Kitty Carlisle Hart, 4, Boris Yeltsin, 24, Tom Poston, 15
May -- Jerry Falwell, 27
June -- Don "Mr. Wizard" Herbert, 11

Ewing Oil:
July -- Lady Bird Johnson, 6, Tammy Faye Messner, 35, Ingmar Bergman, 11, Bill Walsh, 25