Saturday, February 25, 2006
DON KNOTTS DEAD AT 81
Ewing Oil struck it rich today when its Moneyball Don Knotts died of pulmonary and respiratory complications at the age of 81. The veteran actor best known for his roles on "The Andy Griffith Show" and "Three's Company" earned in death 38 points for Ewing Oil. His death narrows the gap in this season's competition to an 89-60 lead for Sweet Valley Death.
"This is a great day," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil." We loved Don Knotts and are sad to see him pass into the great beyond, but will always appreciate his contributions to our team. From the day we placed the Moneyball tag on him, we knew that he would reward our confidence in him. Best to Don."
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Betty White: "I'm Not Even Close to Dying"
That's the gist, apparently, of an article yesterday which reported on Betty White being named some sort of ambassador to the Los Angeles Zoo. This is not good news if you're a fan of Ewing Oil. White, 84, appears to be spry, witty, and full of life in the photo that accompanies the article. One can only hope that her "Golden Girls" co-stars and teammates on Ewing Oil, are not faring so well for that downtrodden franchise.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Sickness: Your Spouse and You
An interesting article on how sickness has an impact on one's spouse. Sweet Valley Death's own Nancy Reagan has somehow managed to buck the system for years.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Just Dick Being Dick, Part Deux
A health update on Sweet Valley Death's 44th round draft pick, Dick Van Patten. Apparently a stroke was not enough to keep the star of "Eight is Enough" from appearing at a big-time Hollywood event.
Just Dick Being Dick
Ewing Oil's own Dick Cheney is in the news again, this time for accidentally shooting a hunting companion over the weekend.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Good News on Love Rocks Ewing Oil
Ewing Oil has been left in a staggered state, not only by the dominance thus far by Sweet Valley Death, but by reports that one of the cornerstones of its franchise, Courtney Love, may in fact be clean and sober.
Love, Ewing Oil's 5th round draft pick, had been projected as a "lock" to die if not this season, then certainly next season by Ewing Oil's scouting department. Words like "can't miss" and "blue-chip prospect" have followed Love around for years as her drug habit and looks have worsened. Instead, with her house-arrest over and therapy going well, the next label she may be saddled with is that of an Our Sick Game "bust."
"Let me tell you what, we thought there would be no ceiling on Courtney when we drafted her in 2005, and again with the 5th pick in 2006," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "You can't argue with a history of drug abuse. You can't teach drug dependancy. You either have it, or you don't. Courtney had it, we think she can get it back, and good Lord willing, she can help Ewing Oil get back in this game. She's still young and full of potential. There's still time for her to get her life going in the wrong direction."
Sunday, February 05, 2006
AL LEWIS DEAD AT 82
Sweet Valley Death has answered the death of Ewing Oil's Coretta Scott King with one of its own. Al Lewis, known best for his role as Grandpa on The Munsters, died this weekend at the age of 82. Lewis earned 18 points for Sweet Valley Death, which now has an 89-22 advantage over Ewing Oil, and leads in the crucial tiebreaker column 3 deaths to 1.
"There's no better feeling in the world than seeing an 82-year-old man not make it to 83," said an exuberant spokesperson for Sweet Valley Death.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
At the end of January...
With a total of three bodies toed and bagged after one month of competition, Sweet Valley Death leads Ewing Oil by a score of 71-22. A quick recap:
Sweet Valley Death:
Lou Rawls (moneyball), 56
Shelly Winters, 15
Ewing Oil:
Coretta Scott King, 22
Sweet Valley Death:
Lou Rawls (moneyball), 56
Shelly Winters, 15
Ewing Oil:
Coretta Scott King, 22
