Our Sick Game 2014

Fans of Our Sick Game have always known to keep a close eye on the Middle East. Both in the sheer number of deaths that occur every day and the constant promise of further escalation, this wonderful part of the world has been a sort of spiritual homeland to all things deadly. It was with that in mind that my organization drafted Ismail Haniya on the Fourth of July. Sure, there were plenty of homegrown prospects here in the States, but ours is a global game. So we drafted and we sat back to watch the coming fireworks, confident that our man in Gaza was sure to be in the middle of any conflict.

Now, that glorious day has arrived: Israel is going to war! Soldiers have been captured and soldiers have been killed. Bombs are literally in the air. So why isn’t S.V.D. celebrating? Why don’t we have a smile on our faces and a song in our hearts? Because Israel is going to war with fucking Lebanon. Now I know there’s a long line of people who have a score to settle with the Zionists, but our scouts were assured that the Palestinians were at the head of the line. Who does Lebanon think it is anyway? They are at best an irritation to Israel. If Palestine is the Joker to Israel’s Batman, Lebanon is at best, the Penguin. Maybe only Mr. Freeze. Or to put it in simpler terms, if Palestine is the Joker portrayed in Alan Moore's The Killing Joke, then Lebanon is the Joker portrayed by Ceaser Romero in the ‘60s televison comedy, "Batman." The analogy, I believe, is quite clear.

The point is, this is clearly a waste of everyone’s time and mid-season draft picks. S.V.D. is calling for Israel to get the Hezbollah out of Beirut, and get back to controlling the occupied territories where they belong. The last thing we need in next year’s draft is a run on Lebanese officials. I love the 80's as much as anyone, but that would definitely be living in the past. My scouts say we should take a serious look at Syria. They say Syria is the new Iraq, but I don’t think that’s for us. Our flirtation with Israel’s enemies may have to come to an end. The very qualities that makes them so appealing make them too unpredictable for our purposes. Next year, we’re cutting all our Arab players. The future is in Blues Men.