Wednesday, July 05, 2006
SHOCK AND AWE: S.V.D. Raids Hamas, Ewing Oil Taps Dr. Death in July 4th Draft
The Independence Day holiday provided plenty of fireworks as usual, but nobody could have forseen the display coming from inside the Press Box in Tampa, Florida, last night at the 2nd annual 4th of July supplemental draft. In a shocking twist that has left fans of Our Sick Game speechless, Sweet Valley Death bucked conventional wisdom and selected perhaps the impact player of the 2006 season. He hails from the Middle East and his name is Ismail Haniya, otherwise known as the political leader of Hamas and the Prime Minister of the Palestinian National Authority. Ewing Oil countered by selecting with its pick, perhaps the spiritual godfather of Our Sick Game, the one and only "Dr. Death" himself, Jack Kevorkian.
The selection of the 43-year-0ld Haniya threatens to turn this season of Our Sick Game completely upside down. Experts forecast a short life for Haniya, as the nation of Israel has threatened to assassinate him unless Hamas militants return a captured Israeli soldier. Haniya, as of this writing, has gone into hiding and was unavailable to comment on his selection to the Sweet Valley Death family. A spokesperson for Sweet Valley Death, however, commented openly about what the addition of Haniya's 57 points could mean to his franchise.
"We've had his name in my mind for a little while," he said, "and we just decided to swing for the fences. Isreal has threatened to kill him, so obviously, he could die. Good Lord, could he die!"
Looking to the future, Sweet Valley Death has already decided that should Haniya live out the year, his status as a keeper for the 2007 season is nearly certain.
"Unless the situation changes, a guy like that is always going to be on the cusp. I mean, how do you insure someone like him? We're talking about Israeli assassination squads. When they find him, it's not going to be broadcast on the B.B.C.," the spokesperson said.
Kevorkian, 78, also figures to play an important part in the second half of the Our Sick Game season. According to his attorney, Mayer Morganroth, Kevorkian may have less than a year to live. During a hearing before the Michigan Parole Board, Morganroth said of his client: "Today, Dr. Kevorkian weighs a mere 113 pounds. He is suffering from active Hepatitis C, which is attacking his major organs and cannot be treated in prison. His liver enzymes are dangerously high, and his blood sugar is four times normal. On top of all that, it's been determined that he has become diabetic." A Ewing Oil spokesperson echoed the comments of Morganroth.
"Take in all of those factors, his health, old age, plus an almost-certain loss of will to live, and you have a five-tool player in this game," the spokesperson said. "For him to be sitting and rotting in a Michigan prison and not be in this game, to our people, was almost as criminal as the assisted suicides he used to perform. Not only that, but Dr. Kevorkian is a name-guy. He's about more than just 22 possible points. He's someone who is going to energize our fans and get people excited again. There hasn't been a casualty in this game for months, but with 'Dr. Death' on the scene, I think you know what's going to happen."
In addition to the draft, an owner's meeting took place last night as well. Among the topics discussed were expansion for 2007, an increase in roster size from 55 to 75, and a possible twist on insurance policies tentatively called "turbo insurance." Under this form of insurance, a team could insure a player on an oposing team for a 24-hour period. If that player dies while insured, the team carrying the policy would earn the entire player's death value, while his original owner would earn zero points for the death. If the policy were to lapse after the 24 hours, however, the insurer would forfeit the remaining nine days of the policy. This tweak remains under consideration for 2007 and will likely be voted on at the next owner's meeting in the fall.
The selection of the 43-year-0ld Haniya threatens to turn this season of Our Sick Game completely upside down. Experts forecast a short life for Haniya, as the nation of Israel has threatened to assassinate him unless Hamas militants return a captured Israeli soldier. Haniya, as of this writing, has gone into hiding and was unavailable to comment on his selection to the Sweet Valley Death family. A spokesperson for Sweet Valley Death, however, commented openly about what the addition of Haniya's 57 points could mean to his franchise.
"We've had his name in my mind for a little while," he said, "and we just decided to swing for the fences. Isreal has threatened to kill him, so obviously, he could die. Good Lord, could he die!"
Looking to the future, Sweet Valley Death has already decided that should Haniya live out the year, his status as a keeper for the 2007 season is nearly certain.
"Unless the situation changes, a guy like that is always going to be on the cusp. I mean, how do you insure someone like him? We're talking about Israeli assassination squads. When they find him, it's not going to be broadcast on the B.B.C.," the spokesperson said.
Kevorkian, 78, also figures to play an important part in the second half of the Our Sick Game season. According to his attorney, Mayer Morganroth, Kevorkian may have less than a year to live. During a hearing before the Michigan Parole Board, Morganroth said of his client: "Today, Dr. Kevorkian weighs a mere 113 pounds. He is suffering from active Hepatitis C, which is attacking his major organs and cannot be treated in prison. His liver enzymes are dangerously high, and his blood sugar is four times normal. On top of all that, it's been determined that he has become diabetic." A Ewing Oil spokesperson echoed the comments of Morganroth.
"Take in all of those factors, his health, old age, plus an almost-certain loss of will to live, and you have a five-tool player in this game," the spokesperson said. "For him to be sitting and rotting in a Michigan prison and not be in this game, to our people, was almost as criminal as the assisted suicides he used to perform. Not only that, but Dr. Kevorkian is a name-guy. He's about more than just 22 possible points. He's someone who is going to energize our fans and get people excited again. There hasn't been a casualty in this game for months, but with 'Dr. Death' on the scene, I think you know what's going to happen."
In addition to the draft, an owner's meeting took place last night as well. Among the topics discussed were expansion for 2007, an increase in roster size from 55 to 75, and a possible twist on insurance policies tentatively called "turbo insurance." Under this form of insurance, a team could insure a player on an oposing team for a 24-hour period. If that player dies while insured, the team carrying the policy would earn the entire player's death value, while his original owner would earn zero points for the death. If the policy were to lapse after the 24 hours, however, the insurer would forfeit the remaining nine days of the policy. This tweak remains under consideration for 2007 and will likely be voted on at the next owner's meeting in the fall.
