Our Sick Game 2014

I'm gonna to spare y'all the pleasantries and just get right down to business.

This is a hard time to be a fan of Ewing Oil. I know that. My daddy knows that too, and I assure you, he's just as concerned about recent events as I am. But if you know anything about me, you know this: whatever makes my daddy happy makes me happy. And he won't be happy unless Ewing Oil wins another championship this season. So that's exactly what we'll do.

As you all know, on the evening of July 31 Ewing Oil took out an insurance policy on Fidel Castro of Sweet Valley Death. Now our scouting department in Cuba told us that Castro's death looked like a sure thing. It costs us millions of dollars a year to have scouts stationed all over the world, including Havana, Cuba. They believed he was about to die, so we believed them, and took out our one and only insurance policy knowing full well the consequences of such a decision.

As it turns out, this plan has backfired on us. Not only is Castro alive today, but if he dies before December 31, our competitor, Sweet Valley Death, will earn a total of 30.5 points. That's enough to take over first place in the standings. Now I'm not saying that Castro is going to die. He may well live out the year. But he could die, and that could indeed have terrible, lasting ramifications for Ewing Oil.

To our fans I say this: we know what we're doing. Believe me when I tell you this is not my first rodeo! You don't get to my position in life with this much wealth and this much power without occassionaly having to take a risk. Why I've sold shares in the family business, borrowed millions of dollars to stockpile oil reserves, and even put my mama's ranch up as collateral for a loan all in the name of risk. And you wanna know what? I'm still standing today. Ewing Oil is stronger than ever and we're gonna get through this just fine. You have my word.