Thursday, December 28, 2006
GUEST COMMENTARY: Ismail Haniya Is Not Pleased
Last night I'm picking up dinner for Ann and the kids at Subway, and my agent calls and tells me that not only did my "team" not use one of their keeper picks on me, I went undrafted altogether. I was so upset that I couldn't eat my B.M.T., which is my most favorite sandwich, Allah be praised. What were they thinking? Just because I didn't get around to dying in '06, how could they believe it wouldn't be the first thing I would do next year? I honestly intended to kill myself in December, but it got really crazy around here. Ann's parents came for Christmas and between buying gifts for the kids at the mall and taking my in-laws out to dinner, there wasn't time to think about strapping dynamite to my chest and blowing up a cafe full of zionist dogs in the most holy name of Allah.
And I really hate Ann's mother. She's constantly saying things like, "Did you hear Iran has a nuclear weapons program? Does Palestine have anything like that, Ismail?" and, "I just found out there isn't even a country called Palestine. What exactly are you the president of again, Ismail?" I hate that bitch. So it's not fair to cut me just because I haven't died yet. You'd think I was the only guy who ever got behind on his work at the end of the year.
And the worst thing is, I can't even declare a Jihad on the swine they took instead of me, because if I kill them it only serves to justify their selection! What can I do? My only hope is to make the region even more unstable so that I'm more attractive to the scouts come July. If that doesn't work, all bets are off.
I curse you, Our Sick Game! May your bodies be covered in locusts and your children die in the streets. May your moneyballs live forever and your B.M.T.'s turn to ashes in your mouth. Ismail Haniya will not put up with this shit.
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