Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Gallo Dead; S.V.D. Now Up By 83
The Sweet Valley Death machine just keeps on rolling, as today it tacked on another 3 points following the death of wine guru Ernest Gallo. The 97-year-old Gallo's death increases S.V.D.'s lead over the hapless Ewing Oil to a score of 83-0. Gallo, a 59th round draft choice, figured to play a role in this season of Our Sick Game. Most men his age rarely live to see 98, so much credit must be given to Sweet Valley Death for recognizing this unheralded talent from Modesto, California.A spokesperson for the downtrodden Ewing Oil franchise declined to comment on Gallo's death other than saying, "Goddammit, this has got to stop, right now. Would someone please step up already? Bea Arthur, Betty Ford, Lady Bird fucking Johnson... Let's go!"
Monday, March 05, 2007
GUEST COMMENTARY: Louis Farrakahn Bids Farewell to Our Sick Game
In the name of Allah, the beneficent, the merciful. We thank Him for his prophets, and the scriptures which they brought. We thank him for Moses and the Torah. We thank him for Jesus and the Gospel. We thank him for Muhammad. Peace be upon these worthy servants of Allah. I am so grateful to Allah for his intervention in our affairs in the person of Anna Nicole Smith who delivered 59 glorious points to our cause.So, we stand here today at this historic moment. We are standing in the place of those who gave their lives for the good of us all. We are standing on the blood of our teammates. We are standing on the blood of those who died from lung cancer, who died from old age and drug addiction, who died alone in their beds or with their families around them, who died when their points were required, who died to run up the score just to make a point. We are standing on the sacrifice of the lives of those heroes, our great men and women that we today may accept the responsibility that life imposes upon each traveler who comes this way. And brothers, it is my turn. I have been called and I will answer.
"But Brother Farrakahn," you say, "Your team has a more than comfortable lead! Why die now when your points might be better utilized in a future season?" Because we have something to prove, brothers. This mighty Nation must be shown what this dead pool team is all about. My points are not "wasted" as you call them. They are historic. Future generations will look back on us and they will be inspired by our actions. So I call on each one of you to follow my example, each in his own way. Not only those who contract prostate cancer are following me, anything that threatens your health is glorious.
Richie Doing Part to Match Anna Nicole Smith
Burdened by the weight of lofty expectations, Nicole Richie recently entered the hospital for dehydration treatment. The stick-thin reality star has been dogged in recent weeks by critics who say that Anna Nicole Smith had no business stealing the spotlight from her so early in the season."We really believe in Nicole Richie," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "The comparisons to Anna Nicole Smith are simply unfair. Anna Nicole had a 14-year head start on Ms. Richie, and had recently gone through the death of her son Daniel. Her upside was through the roof. But if you look at Ms. Richie's history, we have every reason to believe she'll have a positive impact on this game."
Thursday, March 01, 2007
At the End of February...
With two months in the books, and one old man and one larger than life woman having bit the dust, Sweet Valley Death now leads Ewing Oil in a runaway , 80-0. A recap:
Sweet Valley Death:
January -- Art Buchwald, 19
February -- Anna Nicole Smith, 61
Sweet Valley Death:
January -- Art Buchwald, 19
February -- Anna Nicole Smith, 61
