Our Sick Game 2014

Another month, another death for the team from Sweet Valley. The steamrolling machine that is the Death added another casualty to its ranks on Tuesday, this time claiming the pathetic life of Jerry Falwell, 73. His 27 points will no doubt be his lasting legacy to the world and Our Sick Game. Sweet Valley Death now enjoys a seven-death, 153 point lead over Ewing Oil.

In an exciting twist of what has turned out to be an unimaginably lopsided season, Ewing Oil attempted to take out an insurance policy on Falwell -- a 58th round draft pick -- when news reports indicated he had been rushed to the hospital. Unfortunately for the sad-sack Oil, Falwell had already been declared dead by the time the policy was taken out. Thus, Ewing Oil's latest attempt to get on the board was thwarted, but the team will get to keep its insurance policy.

"It figures," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "If only he could have hung on for an hour, or been kept alive on life-support for a day or two. Anything. Well, congratulations to Sweet Valley Death. They're earning everything they get, and we're getting what we deserve."