Our Sick Game 2014

It's a busy week for members of Sweet Valley Death as Mike Wallace and Billy Graham call it quits, while Jerry Lewis is honored by twits.

Life is not a valuable gift, but death is. Life is a fever-dream made up of joys embittered by sorrows, pleasure poisoned by pain; a dream that is a nightmare-confusion of spasmodic and fleeting delights, ecstasies, exaltations, happiness, interspersed with long-drawn miseries, griefs, perils, horrors, disappointments, defeats,humiliations, and despairs--the heaviest curse devisable by divine ingenuity; but death is sweet, death is gentle, death is kind; death heals the bruised spirit and the broken heart, and gives them rest and forgetfulness; death is man's best friend; when man can endure life no longer, death comes and sets him free.

I say that to say this: We are not concerned. You know what they say about death and taxes? Well April's on it's way and Andy Griffith still lives. What do you think is going to happen? My money is on the sweet inevitability of delicious death.

Greetings!

How y'all doing? Good, good. I just wanted to take some time today and fill you in on Ewing Oil's game plan for this season and to talk about what's happened so far. Well, looks like ol' J.R. and Ewing Oil have proven that the cream always rises to the top. I know it took a few weeks for us to find our footing, but you didn't really think that Sweet Valley Death could keep us down all season, now didya? No, I didn't think so.

Through supreme scouting and drafting, Ewing Oil has once again positioned itself to be the premiere franchise in Our Sick Game. This year we've said "howdy" and "git-along now!" to three of our own: Coretta Scott King, Don Knotts and Dana Reeve. We couldn't be happier with our production. In that group you have a 22-pointer, a Moneyball designee worth 38 points, and a 56-pointer. I don't mind boastin', but that's a mighty good way to spread the wealth. We here at Ewing Oil like to get the most bang we can for our buck. It's our way of rewarding the investors, you the fans who root us along on our way to glory -- one corpse at a time.

Now I don't like to kick the competition when its down, but you know I couldn't use this forum and not mention my friends at Sweet Valley Death. Boy, I tell you what, they've yet to meet a 71-point lead they couldn't squander. To think at one point they had Ewing Oil down 71-0 and couldn't finish the deal. We have a saying we like to use here in Texas to describe things like Sweet Valley Death: "All hat, no cattle." That's what they are, all bluff, and no stuff. You heard me. Now what are you gonna do about it? Have one of your 90-year olds die? You've got me shaking in my $3,000 boots!

So where does Ewing Oil go from here? I think we have a lot of dying left to do between now and December 31. Just look at some of our up-and-comers:

Sadaam Hussein: Now who really expects him to live through the year? His day of reckoning is close at hand.
The Golden Girls: Pick one, any one. We've got 'em all. You honestly don't expect 2006 to come and go without at least one of them dying?
Gary Glitter: We'll he's just dug quite a hole for himself, now hasn't he? Couple years in a Viet-namese jail for child molestation. Woo-eee. I like the way that ol' boy thinks!
Mel Brooks: Never underestimate the power of missing your deceased spouse.

Finally, I can't wait until the July 4th supplemental draft. Even if I have to pick second, I've got a doozy lined up that you won't want to miss. So keep on following along, we've got more coming your way. And Sweet Valley Death: you'd be wise not to cross Ewing Oil, ya hear?

Our Sick Game has been turned upside down by the death of Dana Reeve. In the most dramatic death of the season, Reeve, Ewing Oil's 22nd round draft pick, has fallen to lung cancer at the age of 44. As a result, her 56 points have given Ewing Oil a 116-89 lead after trailing Sweet Valley Death for virtually the entire 2006 calendar year.

"Lung cancer gets you every time," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "One need look no further than our 2005 MVP Peter Jennings to know that lung cancer wins championships. Dana Reeve and her 56 points are a big part of what we're trying to accomplish around here."

Reeve's 56 points ties Lou Reed for the largest single death total in Our Sick Game history, but stands alone as the largest non-Moneyball total ever.

The reaction around Sweet Valley Death's camp was predictably more somber. "We have no one to blame but ourselves," said a spokesperson for Sweet Valley Death. "We knew about Dana Reeve, we scouted Dana Reeve, we passed on Dana Reeve. This is one of the worst days of our lives."

Brit rocker and now convicted child molestor Gary Glitter has been sentenced to three years in a Vietnamese prison. Following the completion of his jail sentence, Glitter will be deported to Great Britain.

A spokesperson for Ewing Oil had this to say about Glitter's conviction: "Hey!.... Hey!.... Hey!"

With a total of five bodies toed and bagged after two months of competition, Sweet Valley Death leads Ewing Oil by a score of 89-60. A quick recap:

Sweet Valley Death: January -- Lou Rawls (moneyball), 56, Shelly Winters, 15

February -- Al Lewis, 18

Ewing Oil: January -- Coretta Scott King, 22

February -- Don Knotts (moneyball), 38

Ewing Oil's 32nd round draft pick Gary Glitter faces seven years in a Vietnamese prison if found gulity on charges of child molestation. Glitter, whose real name is Paul Francis Gadd, is known, best or otherwise, for the ever-present rock anthem "Rock and Roll, Part 2."

A spokesperson for Ewing Oil had this to say about Glitter's legal predicament: "While we at Ewing Oil in no way condone what Mr. Glitter has been accused of, we wholeheartedly applaud any endeavor, such as an extended stay in a foreign prison, which would put the life of one of our players in jeopardy. The fact that Mr. Glitter has been accused of child molestation is icing on the cake. We do not like his chances of survival if he is found guilty. And if he is acquitted of these charges, hopefully he is shamed into committing suicide."