Friday, June 30, 2006
July 4th Draft and Owner's Meeting
For all fans of Our Sick Game who would like to attend the 2006 Our Sick Game July 4th Supplemental Draft, the long wait is finally over. The league announces that a draft party and owner's meeting will be held in Tampa at The Press Box on Tuesday, July 4, at 9 p.m. The event is free of charge, however, anyone attending is encouraged to order at least one drink. As of this writing, Sweet Valley Death is scheduled to select first in the draft, and each team will have only one pick.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Potential July 4th Pick for Ewing Oil Dies
Ewing Oil received a major blow on Wednesday when its targeted pick in the July 4th Supplemental Draft, former NFL wide receiver Theo Bell, met an early demise. The 52-year old maintained a low profile, although it had recently been revealed that he suffered from a serious kidney disease.
"We're devestated about this," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "We truly thought we had a winning pick who could help out immediately. The feeling amongst our scouts was that Mr. Bell would be completely off Sweet Valley Death's radar. The pick would have been a shocker. Unfortunately for us, his time just came too soon."
Ewing Oil's spokesperson said that team scouts still have an extensive list of potential draft picks for July 4th, but declined to reveal any names.
"We're devestated about this," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "We truly thought we had a winning pick who could help out immediately. The feeling amongst our scouts was that Mr. Bell would be completely off Sweet Valley Death's radar. The pick would have been a shocker. Unfortunately for us, his time just came too soon."
Ewing Oil's spokesperson said that team scouts still have an extensive list of potential draft picks for July 4th, but declined to reveal any names.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Death Penalty in Cards for Oil's Hussein
Prosecutors in the trial of former Iraqi leader and Ewing Oil first-round draft pick Sadaam Hussein have recommended that he receive the death penalty. The five-judge panel considering his case could have a decision regarding Hussein's future by as early as August or September.
Hussein's status looms large over this season of Our Sick Game. A spokesperson for Ewing Oil acknowledged as much when asked about his team's first-round selection.
"Hussein is an interesting player," the spokesperson said. "We selected him with the full expectation that he would be found guilty in his trial and then be put to death. This leaves us in a vulnerable position, however, because the folks over at Sweet Valley Death will know the day and time of his demise. This season the addition of insurance policies increases the likelihood that they could earn points off Hussein's death by insuring him at the right moment."
"We can only hope that Sweet Valley Death has used its insurance policy prior to Hussein's death on a player of lesser value. A Jane Wyman, or a Sherwood Schwartz perhaps. Otherwise, one might consider our high investement in Hussein to be nothing more than a wash."
Hussein's status looms large over this season of Our Sick Game. A spokesperson for Ewing Oil acknowledged as much when asked about his team's first-round selection.
"Hussein is an interesting player," the spokesperson said. "We selected him with the full expectation that he would be found guilty in his trial and then be put to death. This leaves us in a vulnerable position, however, because the folks over at Sweet Valley Death will know the day and time of his demise. This season the addition of insurance policies increases the likelihood that they could earn points off Hussein's death by insuring him at the right moment."
"We can only hope that Sweet Valley Death has used its insurance policy prior to Hussein's death on a player of lesser value. A Jane Wyman, or a Sherwood Schwartz perhaps. Otherwise, one might consider our high investement in Hussein to be nothing more than a wash."
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Glitter Conviction Upheld
Ewing Oil's Gary Glitter, 62, will spend the next three years locked up in a Vietnamese prison, as a judge has upheld his conviction on charges of child molestation. A spokesperson for Ewing Oil wished Glitter, its 32nd-round draft choice, nothing but the worst.
"I sincerely hope that he uses his time behind bars to make enemies," the spokesperson said. "Our operatives have already begun an aggressive campaign within the prison to inform each and every inmate of Gary's crimes. It is our greatest wish that something postive emerges from this human tragedy. I can think of nothing more positive than the potential points that Gary represents to our franchise."
"I sincerely hope that he uses his time behind bars to make enemies," the spokesperson said. "Our operatives have already begun an aggressive campaign within the prison to inform each and every inmate of Gary's crimes. It is our greatest wish that something postive emerges from this human tragedy. I can think of nothing more positive than the potential points that Gary represents to our franchise."
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Turning Point for Sweet Valley Death?
Seeking to break out of a three-month slump, Sweet Valley Death may be close to a dramatic turning point as its 2nd round draft pick Jerry Lewis, 80, has suffered a heart attack. Though described as "mild" and expected to make a complete recovery, one cannot discount the effect of heart attacks. Fortuitously, Lewis is also suffering from a bout of pneumonia. The news of Lewis's condition rankled one source close to Ewing Oil."Not good. That's 20 points for Sweet Valley to potentially get back in the game. Psychologically it would be a tremendous boost for them to have a 2nd-rounder die. That would bring up the level of play of everyone else on the roster. If Lewis dies, you'll get your Joey Bishops, your Bob Barkers and your Walter Mondales all asking, 'okay, if a legend and top-five pick like Jerry Lewis can die, what more can I do to reach his level?' And the answer, unfortunately, is die," the source said.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Olivia de Havilland Goes to L.A.
Unfortunately for Sweet Valley Death, Dame de Havilland is not in America for chemotherapy treatments. Rather, she is in Los Angeles for a tribute in her honor at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. De Havilland, 89, is a keeper on the Sweet Valley Death roster.
Friday, June 02, 2006
At the End of May...
Another month of no deaths, and no gore. With a total of six bodies pushing up daisies after five months of competition, Ewing Oil still leads Sweet Valley Death by a score of 116-89.
A recap:
Sweet Valley Death: January -- Lou Rawls (moneyball), 56, Shelly Winters, 15
February -- Al Lewis, 18
Ewing Oil: January -- Coretta Scott King, 22
February -- Don Knotts (moneyball), 38
March -- Dana Reeve, 56
A recap:
Sweet Valley Death: January -- Lou Rawls (moneyball), 56, Shelly Winters, 15
February -- Al Lewis, 18
Ewing Oil: January -- Coretta Scott King, 22
February -- Don Knotts (moneyball), 38
March -- Dana Reeve, 56
