Our Sick Game 2014

In a move that has rocked Our Sick Game, Ewing Oil has decided to risk it's very season by taking out an insurance policy on Sweet Valley Death's Fidel Castro. The unprecedented move by Ewing Oil came late Monday evening when the team learned that Castro, 79, had temporarily relinquished power to his brother Raul while undergoing potentially life-threatening surgery.
By taking out insurance on Castro, Ewing Oil has immediately conceded 10.5 points to Sweet Valley Death. As a result, Ewing Oil now leads 116-99.5. In the event that Castro dies within the next 10 days, or 240 hours (beginning at 11:50 pm July 31, 2006), Ewing Oil will earn the remainder (or half) of Castro's 21 point value. If Castro outlives the policy but dies before December 31, 2006, Sweet Valley Death will earn full value for Castro at the time of his death, either 21 or 20 points, plus the 10.5 it earned when Ewing Oil took out the policy.
Now, Castro's death could have potentially disastrous implications for Ewing Oil. If Castro were to die after the policy expires, Sweet Valley Death could take the lead by earning up to 31.5 points. Assuming Ewing Oil earns no further points between now and December 31, 2006, Sweet Valley Death would have enough points to win the championship.
"This game is about taking risks," a spokesperson for Ewing Oil said. "We'd be kicking ourselves if Castro died and, knowing what we knew this evening, did nothing about it. Besides, we feel plenty confident that if Castro does outlive the policy, we have other guys lined up and ready to die who can make up the points for us. The Kevorkians, Husseins, what have you, are more than capable of dying in the next 5 months."

Gerald Ford, one of the all-time great teases in Our Sick Game, has done it again. Ford, 93, appeared to be on the cusp of immortality yesterday when he was admitted to the hospital with shortness of breath. This coming after a stroke in January which left him hospitalized for 12 days. By any reckoning, two serious visits to the hospital in one calendar year for a man of his age should have meant death. The Sweet Valley Death icon, however, continues to defy the odds and wishes of his ownership group.

Fans of Sweet Valley Death may want to avoid reading this post, because it appears that former shoo-in-to-die Art Linkletter, 94, is apparently going strong. When you can't count on a 94-year-old to be feeble and bed-ridden, what exactly can you count on?

Beautiful.

Fans of Our Sick Game have always known to keep a close eye on the Middle East. Both in the sheer number of deaths that occur every day and the constant promise of further escalation, this wonderful part of the world has been a sort of spiritual homeland to all things deadly. It was with that in mind that my organization drafted Ismail Haniya on the Fourth of July. Sure, there were plenty of homegrown prospects here in the States, but ours is a global game. So we drafted and we sat back to watch the coming fireworks, confident that our man in Gaza was sure to be in the middle of any conflict.

Now, that glorious day has arrived: Israel is going to war! Soldiers have been captured and soldiers have been killed. Bombs are literally in the air. So why isn’t S.V.D. celebrating? Why don’t we have a smile on our faces and a song in our hearts? Because Israel is going to war with fucking Lebanon. Now I know there’s a long line of people who have a score to settle with the Zionists, but our scouts were assured that the Palestinians were at the head of the line. Who does Lebanon think it is anyway? They are at best an irritation to Israel. If Palestine is the Joker to Israel’s Batman, Lebanon is at best, the Penguin. Maybe only Mr. Freeze. Or to put it in simpler terms, if Palestine is the Joker portrayed in Alan Moore's The Killing Joke, then Lebanon is the Joker portrayed by Ceaser Romero in the ‘60s televison comedy, "Batman." The analogy, I believe, is quite clear.

The point is, this is clearly a waste of everyone’s time and mid-season draft picks. S.V.D. is calling for Israel to get the Hezbollah out of Beirut, and get back to controlling the occupied territories where they belong. The last thing we need in next year’s draft is a run on Lebanese officials. I love the 80's as much as anyone, but that would definitely be living in the past. My scouts say we should take a serious look at Syria. They say Syria is the new Iraq, but I don’t think that’s for us. Our flirtation with Israel’s enemies may have to come to an end. The very qualities that makes them so appealing make them too unpredictable for our purposes. Next year, we’re cutting all our Arab players. The future is in Blues Men.

"Walking cadaver" and recent Ewing Oil draft pick Jack Kevorikian says in a new article that he would not wish to have an assisted suicide performed on himself. The good doctor, however, performed over 100 during his career. Kevorkian, 78, is eligible for parole in June 2007, but experts do not expect him to live that long.

The Independence Day holiday provided plenty of fireworks as usual, but nobody could have forseen the display coming from inside the Press Box in Tampa, Florida, last night at the 2nd annual 4th of July supplemental draft. In a shocking twist that has left fans of Our Sick Game speechless, Sweet Valley Death bucked conventional wisdom and selected perhaps the impact player of the 2006 season. He hails from the Middle East and his name is Ismail Haniya, otherwise known as the political leader of Hamas and the Prime Minister of the Palestinian National Authority. Ewing Oil countered by selecting with its pick, perhaps the spiritual godfather of Our Sick Game, the one and only "Dr. Death" himself, Jack Kevorkian.
The selection of the 43-year-0ld Haniya threatens to turn this season of Our Sick Game completely upside down. Experts forecast a short life for Haniya, as the nation of Israel has threatened to assassinate him unless Hamas militants return a captured Israeli soldier. Haniya, as of this writing, has gone into hiding and was unavailable to comment on his selection to the Sweet Valley Death family. A spokesperson for Sweet Valley Death, however, commented openly about what the addition of Haniya's 57 points could mean to his franchise.
"We've had his name in my mind for a little while," he said, "and we just decided to swing for the fences. Isreal has threatened to kill him, so obviously, he could die. Good Lord, could he die!"
Looking to the future, Sweet Valley Death has already decided that should Haniya live out the year, his status as a keeper for the 2007 season is nearly certain.
"Unless the situation changes, a guy like that is always going to be on the cusp. I mean, how do you insure someone like him? We're talking about Israeli assassination squads. When they find him, it's not going to be broadcast on the B.B.C.," the spokesperson said.
Kevorkian, 78, also figures to play an important part in the second half of the Our Sick Game season. According to his attorney, Mayer Morganroth, Kevorkian may have less than a year to live. During a hearing before the Michigan Parole Board, Morganroth said of his client: "Today, Dr. Kevorkian weighs a mere 113 pounds. He is suffering from active Hepatitis C, which is attacking his major organs and cannot be treated in prison. His liver enzymes are dangerously high, and his blood sugar is four times normal. On top of all that, it's been determined that he has become diabetic." A Ewing Oil spokesperson echoed the comments of Morganroth.
"Take in all of those factors, his health, old age, plus an almost-certain loss of will to live, and you have a five-tool player in this game," the spokesperson said. "For him to be sitting and rotting in a Michigan prison and not be in this game, to our people, was almost as criminal as the assisted suicides he used to perform. Not only that, but Dr. Kevorkian is a name-guy. He's about more than just 22 possible points. He's someone who is going to energize our fans and get people excited again. There hasn't been a casualty in this game for months, but with 'Dr. Death' on the scene, I think you know what's going to happen."
In addition to the draft, an owner's meeting took place last night as well. Among the topics discussed were expansion for 2007, an increase in roster size from 55 to 75, and a possible twist on insurance policies tentatively called "turbo insurance." Under this form of insurance, a team could insure a player on an oposing team for a 24-hour period. If that player dies while insured, the team carrying the policy would earn the entire player's death value, while his original owner would earn zero points for the death. If the policy were to lapse after the 24 hours, however, the insurer would forfeit the remaining nine days of the policy. This tweak remains under consideration for 2007 and will likely be voted on at the next owner's meeting in the fall.

The season is offficially half-way over. After six grueling, gruesome months, a total of six bodies have hit the floor and Ewing Oil leads Sweet Valley Death by a score of 116-89.

A recap:

Sweet Valley Death: January -- Lou Rawls (moneyball), 56, Shelly Winters, 15
February -- Al Lewis, 18

Ewing Oil: January -- Coretta Scott King, 22
February -- Don Knotts (moneyball), 38
March -- Dana Reeve, 56