Our Sick Game 2014

Another month, another death for the team from Sweet Valley. The steamrolling machine that is the Death added another casualty to its ranks on Tuesday, this time claiming the pathetic life of Jerry Falwell, 73. His 27 points will no doubt be his lasting legacy to the world and Our Sick Game. Sweet Valley Death now enjoys a seven-death, 153 point lead over Ewing Oil.

In an exciting twist of what has turned out to be an unimaginably lopsided season, Ewing Oil attempted to take out an insurance policy on Falwell -- a 58th round draft pick -- when news reports indicated he had been rushed to the hospital. Unfortunately for the sad-sack Oil, Falwell had already been declared dead by the time the policy was taken out. Thus, Ewing Oil's latest attempt to get on the board was thwarted, but the team will get to keep its insurance policy.

"It figures," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "If only he could have hung on for an hour, or been kept alive on life-support for a day or two. Anything. Well, congratulations to Sweet Valley Death. They're earning everything they get, and we're getting what we deserve."

Al: John, here we are in the fifth month of the season and already it has turned into a blowout. Can Ewing Oil overcome Sweet Valley Death's lead or is it time to start looking ahead to next year?

John: Well, you know this is what Our Sick Game is all about: overcoming the odds. I remember when I was coaching the Oakland Raiders, nobody gave us a chance to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. It's the same thing here, only we never trailed the Steelers by 126 points.

Al: Talk about who needs to step up for Ewing Oil to have a chance.

John: Well, clearly Ariel Sharon needs to get back to what he does best. Here's a guy who's been given an enormous gift. Not only is he a former Israeli prime minister, but now he's lying comatose in some hospital bed in Tel Aviv. I mean, BOOM!, that's a combination you just can't teach.

Al: Right now Ewing Oil is just desperate to get on the board. Who on their roster do you think can get them going?

John: A guy I've always liked and is a perennial candidate for the All-Madden Team is Mickey Rooney. When you think about old guys, how can you not think of Mickey Rooney? I mean, he's the kind of guy you can really build a team around. He's not the flashiest guy, but he works hard and will do what it takes to die. And doing what it takes is what this game is all about.

Al: Ewing Oil, a franchise in disarray and clearly in need of multiple deaths. Will it be Ariel Sharon or will it be Mickey Rooney who goes first. We'll soon find out, here in Our Sick Game.

Right now, words cannot even begin to describe the highs being experienced by Sweet Valley death, nor the lows felt by Ewing Oil. With the death on Tuesday of Tom Poston, 85, Sweet Valley Death tacked on another 15 points to its lead, making the score a staggering 126-0. So far this season, Sweet Valley Death has taken advantage of six deaths, the most ever by a team through May, as well as opening up a record-breaking 126 point lead.

With four months now in the books, the season is all but over as Sweet Valley Death recorded an April hat trick and leads Ewing Oil in a massacre, 126-0. A recap:

Sweet Valley Death:
January -- Art Buchwald, 19
February -- Anna Nicole Smith, 61
March -- Ernest Gallo, 3
April -- Kitty Carlisle Hart, 4, Boris Yeltsin, 24, Tom Poston, 15

Ewing Oil:
None