Our Sick Game 2014

Ewing Oil can keep hope alive. One of its own has finally reached the promised land. Early this morning, Coretta Scott King, 78, died apparently from old age. Though she had suffered a stroke and a heart attack in 2005 (making her a valuable commodity in Our Sick Game), her death is evidently unrelated to either event. King was the 20th pick taken in the draft by Ewing Oil and her passing marks the first death of the season for Ewing Oil, which now trails Sweet Valley Death by a score of 71-22.

A spokesperson for Ewing Oil was reached early this morning for comment. "King me!Seriously though, I'd like to thank Coretta Scott King for her contribution. You know, 22 points is a very respectable effort. We're on the board now, so it always feels good to be back in the game. A few is all it takes and Ewing Oil will be back in this competition."

Celebrating a birthday today in an undisclosed, secret location is Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney, who turns 65 years young. Way to go, Dick.

This could mean bad news for Supreme Court Justice John Paul "J.P." Stevens, but excellent news for Ewing Oil. Apparently, conservative columnist/femme fatale Ann Coulter has suggested that someone poison the 85-year old Justice.

Looks like the folks here at Our Sick Game missed a rather big event two weeks ago. Shelly Winters died on January 14 at the age of 85. Sweet Valley Death thus earns 15 points off the two-time Oscar winner's corpse to increase its lead to 71-0. Talk about a big month for one team. While Sweet Valley Death management could not be reached for comment, a spokesperson for Ewing Oil offered his congratulations on Death's second death of 2006.

"That's just quality drafting right there," he said. "You get a Shelly Winters in the 12th round, good things are going to happen. Now it looks like they've got Gerald Ford waiting on deck. Christ, it's not even February."

This week, let's catch up with former NHL coach, Pat Burns, and see how he plans to gameplan for Our Sick Game.

That is, a Prime Time Player. Gerald Ford, back in the news and ready to make an impact on the 2006 season.

Meet Ronnie Biggs, 76, and Sweet Valley Death's ninth round draft pick.

The 2005 season provided a lifetime of memorable moments, highs, lows, and bitter disappointments at reports of health and prosperity. Ewing Oil struck first on January 23 when Johnny Carson died at the age of 79. Putting a slight damper on the historic occassion of Our Sick Game's first ever death was the realization that Carson's status as a bench player prevented Ewing Oil from earning full value. Instead of 21 points, Ewing Oil would have to be satisfied with 11.5 points and an early lead.

Sweet Valley Death answered back on February 10 with the Death of a Playright, Arthur Miller. Miller earned Sweet Valley Death 11 points and secured for it a slight lead over a dazed Ewing Oil. After barely six weeks, Sweet Valley Death led Ewing Oil 11 to 10.5. The action cooled down during the month of March, but Our Sick Game was rocked to its foundation on April 2 with the death of Pope John Paul II. The 84-year-old Pontiff and overall number one draft pick just so happened to be Sweet Valley Death's Moneyball player, thus earning for his team 32 points instead of a still-formidable 16. Just two deaths in the bank, and Sweet Valley held a 33 to 10.5 lead over Ewing Oil.

On July 4th, Our Sick Game held its first-ever July 4th Supplemental Draft. Both teams were allowed to select one player to add to its roster. Ewing Oil won the coin toss and selected Peter Jennings, who recently had been diagnosed with lung cancer. Sweet Valley Death selected Sen. Arlen Specter from Pennsylvania. The luck of the coin toss, it turned out, would swing the balance of the game in favor of Ewing Oil. On August 7, over four months since the last death within the game, the 67-year-old Peter Jennings delivered 33 points in favor of Ewing Oil. Just like that, Ewing Oil led by less than one point, 43.5 to 43. Before Sweet Valley Death could come up for air, Ewing Oil increased its lead the very next day when "Dallas" matriarch Barbara Bel Geddes died at 82 to earn Ewing Oil 18 points. In just two days, Ewing Oil had rallied from behind to take a 61.5 to 43 lead.

Not to be denied, Sweet Valley death dominated the month of September with two deaths of its own. While the world mourned the suffering around Hurricane Katrina, Sweet Valley Death celebrated the loss of Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist at age 80. Unfortunately for Sweet Valley Death, the Justice only earned 10 points based on his somewhat-fitting status on the Sweet Valley Death bench. Still, Sweet Valley Death had narrowed the gap to 61.5 to 53. Sweet Valley Death continued chipping away at Ewing Oil's lead when on September 20 Simon Weisenthal died at 96. Although only worth 4 points, Sweet Valley Death clearly had momentum on its side heading into the final three months of the season.

Leading 61.5 to 57, Ewing Oil needed someone to emerge and secure a victory. Baseball Hall of Famer Al Lopez, appropriately enough, stepped up to the plate one last time on October 30 and hit a 3-run homer, dying at the age of 97. Ewing Oil tacked on three more points for a still-narrow 64.5 to 57 lead. Richard Pryor gave Ewing Oil all the insurance it would need on December 10. The comedian died at the age of 65 after a long battle with, well, everything. As a bench player, he earned 17.5 points instead of 35, but it would not matter. Pryor's death, the final one of the year, left the score at 82 to 57, the final score in the inaugural season of Our Sick Game.

The Most Valuable Player for the 2005 Season, and the first-ever MVP of Our Sick Game, is none other than Peter Jennings. Jennings, 67, was drafted by Ewing Oil with the first pick of the July 4th Supplemental Draft. Shortly over one month later, Jennings died of lung cancer. Talk about a clutch performance and making immediate impact on the game. Jennings' 33 points gave Ewing Oil a 1/2 point lead, one which it would never relinquish.

Had Sweet Valley Death won the coin toss on July 4th, it would have certainly selected Jennings and the season would have ended with Sweet Valley Death winning 90-49. Instead, Ewing Oil took him and won the season 82-57. That is why Jennings is the MVP.

"Peter was huge. He was one of those guys that both Sweet Valley Death and Ewing Oil coveted," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "Whoever had the first pick on July 4th was going to take him, hands down. His death really turned the season around for us. Nobody had a higher score all season than his 33 points. We had momentum from that day forward. Barbara Bel Geddes took his death as a cue for her to check out as well the very next day. We were able to ride that all the way to the end."

This is why Ewing Oil's own Dick Cheney deserves to be in Our Sick Game. Go get 'em, Dick!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060106/ap_en_mu/obit_rawls

In a shocking development, Lou Rawls, the number one pick in the 2006 draft by Sweet Valley Death, and its Moneyball player, has died of brain and lung cancer. The death of the 72-year-old Rawls yields Sweet Valley Death an amazing 56 points, putting it in a huge lead only 6 days into the new season.

"I'm so proud of Lou Rawls right now I can't even tell you," said the speechless owner of Sweet Valley Death upon learning of Rawls' demise.

Ewing Oil's owner had this to say about the death of Rawls and his sudden 56-point deficit coming just days after he celebrated a championship. "This is what Our Sick Game is all about. 2006 is a new year and I realized when Sweet Valley Death drafted Rawls with the number one pick that this could happen. He was number two on my draft board, and I appreciated what he was going to bring to this game. I'm down right now, but not out. It is very early. I think you're going to see a lot of scoring this year and it will be very wide-open play. Congratulations to Sweet Valley Death. Good drafting, and the moneyball paid off. Job well done."

Every now and then we'll feature a profile or link on members of Ewing Oil and Sweet Valley Death. The first entry is of a relatively unknown rookie out of Croatia, Ante Gotovina. Enjoy.

Scrubs: Season One. Yes, that is what you get for a pile of dead bodies. Much thanks go to Sweet Valley Death for its generosity and good sportsmanship in the face of crushing adversity and humiliation.

The 70-year-old singin' Lou Rawls. Good luck Sweet Valley Death in 2006. His death will yield you a whopping 60 points, by far the highest Moneyball total of all-time.

The 80-year-old Don Knotts. Congratulations, Don. Good luck this season in all of your endeavors, and may your demise yield Ewing Oil 40 beautiful points.

The final is in: Ewing Oil 82, Sweet Valley Death 57.

Congratulations to Ewing Oil, 2005 Our Sick Game champion. Somewhere, Peter Jennings is smiling.