Our Sick Game 2014

Perputual Our Sick Game tease Gerald Ford is back in the news yet again, this time for a recent angioplasty surgery. Sweet Valley Death will no doubt be the benificiary of Ford's seven points in the very near future, the only question remains is when?

A spokesperson from Ewing Oil, however, remained unimpressed with Ford's recent antics. "Call me when he does something extraordinary. I'm talking about massive heart attack, or even getting mauled by a mountain lion. Until then it's just Ford being Ford. I'm glad we don't have to deal with that garbage around here."

I'm in this game because I love it. For the past few months, the only thing that has been able to take my mind off the continuing occupation by the Zionist forces is this wonderful, wonderful game. I'll never forget the morning I got the phone call that Sweet Valley Death (Praise be their name) had selected me over mock-draft favorite Ariel Sharon. They told me that they liked the direction I was headed in. When I hung up I kissed my three beautiful kids, hugged my wife Ann, and thanked Allah for blessing me. I had made it.

And now, as Mr. Sharon lies in an Isr... err.. Zionist hospital so very near death, I've started to read on the fan sites that S.V.D. made a huge mistake in taking me. And for this insult I am putting a Jihad on them. Am I not the Prime Minister of Palestine and the political leader of Hamas? Do I not have enemy soldiers in my basement in this very house as I type this? Am I not in my forties? How can my value be questioned? Do people honestly believe that those cowardly dog Zionists have forgotten about me? That Lebanon (a great bunch of guys) is keeping them so busy they can't send one squad of commandos to take care of me? It's not like I'm hiding; I'm home right now. You can find me at 1478 Sycamore Lane just like always. I'm sure that if Little Ceaser's can find the house, my enemies can as well.

But I'm not depending on Zionist ability, believe me. If they should fail to do the job, I will still do my glorious team proud. December is a glorious month for a suicide bombing, don't you think?

I'm gonna to spare y'all the pleasantries and just get right down to business.

This is a hard time to be a fan of Ewing Oil. I know that. My daddy knows that too, and I assure you, he's just as concerned about recent events as I am. But if you know anything about me, you know this: whatever makes my daddy happy makes me happy. And he won't be happy unless Ewing Oil wins another championship this season. So that's exactly what we'll do.

As you all know, on the evening of July 31 Ewing Oil took out an insurance policy on Fidel Castro of Sweet Valley Death. Now our scouting department in Cuba told us that Castro's death looked like a sure thing. It costs us millions of dollars a year to have scouts stationed all over the world, including Havana, Cuba. They believed he was about to die, so we believed them, and took out our one and only insurance policy knowing full well the consequences of such a decision.

As it turns out, this plan has backfired on us. Not only is Castro alive today, but if he dies before December 31, our competitor, Sweet Valley Death, will earn a total of 30.5 points. That's enough to take over first place in the standings. Now I'm not saying that Castro is going to die. He may well live out the year. But he could die, and that could indeed have terrible, lasting ramifications for Ewing Oil.

To our fans I say this: we know what we're doing. Believe me when I tell you this is not my first rodeo! You don't get to my position in life with this much wealth and this much power without occassionaly having to take a risk. Why I've sold shares in the family business, borrowed millions of dollars to stockpile oil reserves, and even put my mama's ranch up as collateral for a loan all in the name of risk. And you wanna know what? I'm still standing today. Ewing Oil is stronger than ever and we're gonna get through this just fine. You have my word.

It took 10 days and 240 hours until Sweet Valley Death could breathe a sigh of relief. One of its shining stars, Fidel Castro, survived a tango with the reaper and temporarily avoided death's hot embrace. While normally rooting for Castro to die, Sweet Valley Death had been reduced to praying for his life while the Cuban dictator lay somewhere in Havana as the insured property of Ewing Oil. Now that his insurance policy has lapsed, the hopes and dreams of Ewing Oil lay in ruins. Ewing Oil no longer has any recourse in the event of Castro's death. Sweet Valley Death, however, has much to gain. If Castro dies before the stroke of midnight on December 31, 2006, Sweet Valley Death will earn full point value for his death in addition to the 10.5 points it earned on July 31 when Ewing Oil took out the insurance policy. The numbers of points up for grabs now could turn the game in Sweet Valley Death's favor.

After seven months, six bodies and one insurance policy later, Ewing Oil leads Sweet Valley Death by a score of 116-99.5.

A recap:

Sweet Valley Death: January -- Lou Rawls (moneyball), 56, Shelly Winters, 15
February -- Al Lewis, 18
July -- Insurance taken out on Fidel Castro (7/31), 10.5

Ewing Oil: January -- Coretta Scott King, 22
February -- Don Knotts (moneyball), 38
March -- Dana Reeve, 56