Our Sick Game 2014

In what has already become the most one-sided season in the history of Our Sick Game, Sweet Valley Death continues to pile on the helpless and hapless Ewing Oil. The death today of Boris Yeltsin, 76, tacks on 24 more points onto a lead that is now an incredible 111-0. A total of five deaths in the first four months of the season has likely put the season already out of reach for Ewing Oil, even with eight full months left to play.

"I just don't know what to say anymore," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "It's like a bad dream that won't end. All four Golden Girls could die tomorrow and we'd still be trailing, that's how messed up things are right now for Ewing Oil."

When reached for comment this morning following the news of Yeltsin's death, a spokesperson for Sweet Valley Death said "right on", though he could not recall even drafting Yeltsin, much less with the 8th pick in the draft.

Following the death this week of Kitty Carlisle Hart, which has given Sweet Valley Death an 87-0 lead, TMZ.com reports that Ewing Oil ownership went on a profanity-laced tirade during an unprecedented conference call with all 75 of its rostered players. The following is a transcript of a portion of that conversation:


"I wanna tell you something, okay, and I want to leave a message for each of you right now. Once again I've mad an ASS of myself in trying to draft the right players to die at a specific time. When the time comes for me in December to make my picks, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and make that pick. And you don't even have the God damned courtesy to die."

"I want you to know something, okay. I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm telling you that you've insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don't have the brains or the decency as human beings. I don't give a damn that you're Walter Cronkite and 90 years old or Nicole Richie and 25 years old, or even Dom DeLuise, or that Helen Thomas is a thoughtless pain in the ass, who doesn't care about what we do as far as I'm concerned. "

"You have humiliated me for the last time. And when we get together next week, I'm going to straighten you out on this issue. I'm gonna let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You have made me feel like shit. And you have made me feel like a fool, over and over and over again. And this crap you pull on me, with this God damned 87-0 situation, that they would never dream of doing on Sweet Valley Death, and you do it to me constantly, over and over again."

"I am going to get on a plane, and I am going to come out for a day, and I am going to straighten your asses out when I see you, do you understand me? I'm going to really make sure you get it. Then I'm going to get on a plane, turn around and come home. So you better be ready, Friday the 27th, to meet with me so I can let you know just how I feel about what rude little pigs you really are. You are rude, thoughtless little pigs. Okay?"

Sweet Valley Death is in the midst of a historic streak with death's in each of the last four months, five going back to the 2006 season. Its most recent triumph, the death of 97-year old Kitty Carlisle Hart, tacks on four more points and extends its lead by 87 points over the still-scoreless Ewing Oil.

A stunned spokesperson for Sweet Valley Death had this to say when reached for comment this morning: "Really? Who is she and why would I have drafted her?"

To Our Sick Game People:

With the first quarter of the seasons now in the books, the Sweet Valley Death machine has a firm handle on the game and leads Ewing Oil in a runaway, 83-0. A recap:

Sweet Valley Death:
January -- Art Buchwald, 19
February -- Anna Nicole Smith, 61
March -- Ernest Gallo, 3

Ewing Oil:
None