Our Sick Game 2014

The start of the 2009 season of Our Sick Game can only mean one thing: the long-awaited announcement of Moneyball selections.

2009 will feature a Moneyball smackdown between the 4th of July selections of 2008. For the back-to-back-to-back champion Sweet Valley Death, the honor will go to Patrick Swayze, who at 58 years old would earn 84 points for S.V.D. Ewing Oil has designated Susan Atkins, 60, as its Moneyball selection. Her death could earn Ewing Oil up to 80 points. Good luck to Sweet Valley Death, Patrick Swayze, Ewing Oil, and Susan Atkins in the upcoming season.

A huge fan favorite of Our Sick Game is the Survivor Series. Each team selects 15 players from the other team's roster who they believe will not die in 2009. If each of the selected players remains alive at the end of 2009, 15 points will be awarded to the lucky team. No partial credit will be awarded. Mediocrity is frowned upon, not rewarded, here at Our Sick Game.

Ewing Oil:

Saraa Barhoum
Jim Brown
Nick Bollea
Earl Campbell
Michael J. Fox
Aretha Franklin
Mikhail Gorbachev
David Hasselhoff
Whitney Houston
Krist Novoselic
Ozzy Osbourne
John Roberts
Stuart Scott
Donald Sutherland
Pete Townshend

Sweet Valley Death:

Kurt Angle
Bobby Brown
Mike Ditka
Roger Ebert
John Goodman
Hulk Hogan
Michael Jackson
Artie Lange
Lindsay Lohan
Courtney Love
Barack Obama
Nicole Richie
Samantha Ronson
Britney Spears
Mike Tyson

Rounding out the lineup for Ewing Oil and Sweet Valley Death are 10 keepers from the 2008 rosters.

Ewing Oil:

Susan Atkins, 60
Andy Dick, 43
Elizabeth Edwards, 59
Malcolm Glazer, 80
Artie Lange, 41
Lindsay Lohan, 22
Keith Richards, 65
Ariel Sharon, 80
Britney Spears, 27
Ron Springs, 52

Sweet Valley Death:

Iyad Alawi, 63
Michael J. Fox, 47
Mindy McCready, 33
Liza Minnelli, 62
Patrick Swayze, 58
Margaret Thatcher, 81
Vern Troyer, 39
Scott Weiland, 41
Gene Wilder, 75
Amy Winehouse, 25

For the first time ever in 2009, both teams can carry into the new season "grandfathered" players who no longer need to be drafted or protected. These players have been with the same team for three consecutive years, which is the criteria in this game for being "grandfathered," or staying with the same team until death.

Ewing Oil:

Muhammed Ali, 66
Bea Arthur, 86
Barbara Bush, 83
Walter Cronkite, 92
Larry Hagman, 77
Jack Kevorkian, 80
Nelson Mandella, 90
Tom McEwen, 85
Ed McMahon, 85
Don Pardo, 90
Pope Benedict XVI, 81
Andy Rooney, 89
Sherwood Schwartz, 92
George Steinbrenner, 78
Elizabeth Taylor, 76

Sweet Valley Death:

Louie Anderson, 55
Ed Asner, 79
Chuck Berry, 82
Wilford Brimley, 74
Fidel Castro, 82
Dick Clark, 79
Ruby Dee, 84
Stephen Hawking, 66
Andy Griffith, 82
Roger Moore, 81
Stan Musial, 88
Arnold Palmer, 79
Don Rickles, 82
Pat Summerall, 78
Jonathan Winters, 83

With the second overall pick, Sweet Valley Death selected Spanish golfer Seve Ballesteros. Here are the rest of Sweet Valley Death's 2009 draft picks, listed alphabetically followed by their age and location drafted.

Omar Al-Bashir, 64 (4)
Corazon Aquino, 75 (74)
Sevi Ballasteros, 51 (1)
Conrad Bain, 85 (63)
Saraa Barhoum, 12 (11)
Chuck Bednarik, 83 (27)
Yogi Berra, 83 (48)
Ronnie Biggs, 79 (28)
Jim Brown, 72 (14)
Nick Bollea, 18 (46)
Ernest Borgnine, 92 (47)
Tom Bosley, 81 (71)
Bobby Bowden, 79 (39)
George H.W. Bush, 84 (59)
Earl Campbell, 53 (25)
Beverly Cleary, 92 (84)
Sean Connery, 78 (85)
Barry Corbin, 68 (73)
David Crosby, 67 (20)
Tony Curtis, 83 (30)
Ann B. Davis, 82 (54)
Richard Dawson, 76 (18)
Olivia de Haviland, 92 (80)
Dom DeLuise, 75 (16)
Dom DiMaggio, 90 (82)
Phyllis Diller, 91 (72)
Bob Dole, 85 (57)
Hugh Downs, 87 (62)
Charles Durning, 85 (34)
Blake Fielder-Civil, 26 (10)
John Forsythe, 90 (78)
Aretha Franklin, 66 (13)
Zsa Zsa Gabor, 91 (79)
Terri Garr, 67 (19)
George Gaynes, 91 (90)
Frank Gifford, 78 (70)
Mikhail Gorbachev, 78 (15)
Bill Graham, 90 (67)
Kelsey Grammar, 53 (6)
Gene Hackman, 78 (7)
Paul Harvey, 90 (65)
David Hasselhoff, 56 (43)
Whitney Houston, 45 (17)
Keith Jackson, 80 (50)
Steve Jobs, 53 (2)
Alex Karras, 73 (89)
Hamid Karzai, 50 (23)
George Kennedy, 83 (45)
B.B. King, 83 (35)
Jack LaLane, 94 (87)
Jake LaMotta, 87 (75)
Christopher Lee, 86 (55)
Jerry Lewis, 82 (22)
Art Linkletter, 96 (96)
Loretta Lynn, 74 (38)
Sidney Lumet, 84 (33)
Karl Malden, 96 (93)
Barry Manilow, 65 (8)
Rue McClanahan, 74 (31)
George McGovern, 86 (56)
Ian McKellan, 69 (97)
Robert McNamara, 92 (81)
Art Modell, 83 (36)
Ricardo Montalban, 88 (60)
Robert Mugabe, 84 (41)
Wayne Newton, 66 (26)
Leonard Nimoy, 77 (42)
Sandra Day O' Connor, 78 (51)
Carl Reiner, 86 (53)
John Roberts, 53 (44)
Mickey Rooney, 88 (58)
Buddy Ryan, 74 (49)
Ross Perot, 78 (29)
Robert Novak, 77 (3)
Krist Novoselic, 43 (100)
Ozzy Osbourne, 60 (91)
Richard Petty, 71 (9)
Sidney Potier, 81 (21)
Frederick Powhl, 89 (95)
Queen Elizabeth II, 82 (68)
Robin Roberts, 48 (12)
Soupy Sales, 82 (66)
Stuart Scott, 43 (32)
Vin Scully, 81 (40)
Sargeant Shriver, 93 (83)
Bubba Smith, 63 (99)
Arlen Specter, 78 (5)
John Paul Stevens, 88 (52)
Donald Sutherland, 73 (86)
Pete Townshend, 63 (98)
Dick Van Patten, 80 (76)
Jack Vance, 92 (88)
Abe Vigoda, 87 (64)
Mike Wallace, 90 (69)
Charlie Watts, 66 (24) 
Betty White, 85 (37)
Owen Wilson, 40 (92)
Chuck Yeager, 85 (61)
Efram Zimblast, 90 (77)

This year, Ewing Oil went with the consensus overall number one pick, selecting Sen. Ted Kennedy (D) from Massachusetts. Here are the rest of Ewing Oil's 2009 draft picks, listed alphabetically followed by their age and location drafted.

Kurt Angle, 40 (91)
Alan Arkin, 74 (96)
Neil Armstrong, 78 (62)
Tariq Aziz, 72 (6)
Lauren Bacall, 84 (58)
F. Lee Bailey, 75 (22)
Bob Barker, 85 (41)
Ray Bradbury, 88 (57)
Mel Brooks, 82 (28)
Bobby Brown, 39 (18)
Pat Burns, 56 (95)
Jimmy Carter, 84 (60)
Rosalyn Carter, 82 (39)
John Chaney, 75 (73)
Dick Cheney, 67 (44)
Chi Cheng, 38 (2)
Jeff Conaway, 58 (9)
Bill Cosby, 71 (64)
John Daly, 42 (8)
Al Davis, 79 (21)
Doris Day, 84 (53)
Judi Dench, 74 (42)
Mike Ditka, 69 (78)
Conrad Dobler, 58 (26)
Pete Dominici, 72 (15)
Kirk Douglas, 91 (69)
Dominick Dunne, 83 (84)
Bob Dylan, 67 (63)
Clint Eastwood, 78 (86)
Roger Ebert, 66 (17)
Luis Echeverria, 86 (66)
Peter Falk, 81 (3)
Louis Farakahn, 74 (5)
Farrah Fawcett, 61 (19)
Betty Ford, 90 (65)
Annette Funicello, 66 (94)
Peter Gammons, 63 (20)
Gary Glitter, 64 (72)
John Goodman, 56 (36)
Merle Haggard, 71 (77)
Scott Hall, 50 (88)
Ismail Haniya, 45 (30)
Ali Hassan al-Majd, 68 (4)
Hugh Hefner, 82 (67)
Katherine Helmond, 80 (71)
Hulk Hogan, 55 (46)
Hal Holbrook, 83 (50)
Michael Jackson, 50 (11)
Terry Jones, 66 (27)
Harry Kalas, 72 (80)
Casey Kasem, 76 (49)
Ted Kennedy, 76 (1)
Ken Kercheval, 73 (31)
Larry King, 75 (37)
Henry Kissinger, 85 (32)
Robbie Knievel, 46 (99)
Kris Kristofferson, 72 (76)
Martin Landau, 77 (51)
Angela Lansbury, 83 (7)
Phil Lesh, 68 (14)
Jerry Lee Lewis, 73 (13)
Courtney Love, 44 (100)
John Madden, 72 (85)
John McCain, 72 (82)
Gerald McRaney, 61 (61)
Walter Mondale,  (92)
Harry Morgan, 93 (75)
Bob Newhart, 79 (38)
Leslie Nielsen, 82 (47)
Pervez Musharraf, 65 (24)
Willie Nelson, 75 (33)
Chuck Noll, 76 (87)
Barack Obama, 47 (23)
Ehud Olmert, 63 (29)
Joe Paterno, 82 (40)
Les Paul, 83 (16)
Bum Phillips, 85 (52)
Prince Philip, 87 (59)
Charlotte Rae,  82 (90)
Nancy Reagan, 87 (55)
Nicole Richie, 27 (45)
Samantha Ronson, 31 (10)
Bill Russell, 74 (74)
Eunice Kennedy Shriver, 86 (68)
Don Shula, 78 (89)
O.J. Simpson, 61 (83)
Phil Spector, 69 (34)
Harry Dean Stanton, 82 (35)
Helen Thomas, 88 (48)
Mary Travers, 71 (98)
Mike Tyson, 42 (12)
Dick Vitale, 69 (70)
Claus Von Bulow, 82 (81)
Eli Wallach, 93 (79)
Russell Watson, 42 (56)
Andy Williams, 81 (54)
Brian Wilson, 66 (43)
John Wooden, 98 (93)
Don Zimmer, 77 (97)
Paul Zimmerman, 76 (25)

Sweet Valley Death blew another one, this time missing George Putnam, 94, in September. That updates the score yet again, now making the score 244-109 with two days remaining in the game.

In a gross act of negligence, Sweet Valley Death has let 8 months pass in reporting the death of one of their own. Danny Federici, 58, died in April of this year. His 42 points are now tacked on to S.V.D.'s tally, giving them a 238-109 lead with just three days left in the season. The dream appears to be over for Ewing Oil, short of some miracle.

Sweet Valley Death has wrapped a Christmas bow around an extraordinary season, adding the death of Eartha Kitt, 81, with just five days left in the season. Kitt's death gives Sweet Valley Death a 196-109 lead over Ewing Oil, who will almost certainly end up choosing first in the upcoming 2009 draft.

"We're willing to concede at this point," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "Anything short of Ron Springs won't do us any good, so we might as well just hope for no further action and save it for 2009."

Ewing Oil won't go down without a fight. That's the message being sent to Sweet Valley Death today as it reports the death of Bettie Page, 85. Her 15 points now makes the score 177-109 with half a month to go in the game.

"It'll take a lot to make up 68 points," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil, "but crazier things have been known to happen in this game. Regardless, I really like the effort I've seen by our team to rally this season."

With just one month left in this season, Sweet Valley Death leads Ewing Oil by a Ron Springs, 177-94. A recap:

Sweet Valley Death:
January -- Sir Edmund Hillary, 12, Carl Karcher, 10, Suzanne Pleshette, 30 (+10 hat-trick bonus)
June -- Bo Diddley, 21
July -- Tony Snow, 94

Ewing Oil:
January -- Margaret Truman, 17, Arthur C. Clarke, 10
April -- Charlton Heston, 16
July -- Jesse Helms, 14, Estelle Getty, 16
September -- Paul Newman, 17
November -- Studs Terkel, 4