Thursday, January 18, 2007
Buchwald dead, S.V.D. Takes Early Lead
Fresh off its triumphant conclusion to the 2006 season, Sweet Valley Death has recorded the first death of the '07 campaign. Art Buchwald, a Pulitzer Prize winning columnist and Sweet Valley Death's 32nd round pick, has died at the age of 81. His passing earns puts S.V.D. ahead of Ewing Oil by the score of 19-0.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
2006 Our Sick Game Year In Review, Part 2
On July 30, 2006, Ewing Oil found itself in an enviable position. It led Sweet Valley Death 116-89, a fairly comfortable margin at a point when neither team had enjoyed a death since March. Ewing Oil was, quite literally, on top of the world looking down on creation. Sweet Valley Death needed a miracle to get back into the game, but what it had instead was a sickly Cuban dictator named Fidel.
When Ewing Oil learned that Fidel Castro had temporarily relinquished power to his brother Raul, the news rocked the league-leader to its foundation. Castro represented a possible 21 points for Sweet Valley Death. His demise would put S.V.D. back in the game, as well as providing a tremendous momentum boost. When Ewing Oil took out an insurance policy on Castro, Sweet Valley Death immediately earned half of his total value, 10.5 points. As the world held its breath to see if Castro would survive his surgery and recovery, Ewing Oil staked its season on the hopes that he would not. When the 10-day insurance period passed, Ewing Oil became defenseless in the event Castro died before the end of the season. Sweet Valley Death would not only keep the 10.5 points, but would also be rewarded his total value at the time of his death, a potential 31.5 point swing.
"It really made sense to us at the time," says a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "We didn't know Castro would live. We had the chance to prevent Sweet Valley Death from gaining 21 points. It was a good deal on paper that soured towards the end."
Ewing Oil's misstep had immediate ramifications when Patricia Lawford Kennedy died in September, earning Sweet Valley Death 18 points to give them a 117.5-116 lead. Ewing Oil could only watch in horror as a once-sizable 27 point lead had evaporated by virtue of a failed insurance policy and the death of a Kennedy. Sweet Valley Death continued to pile on a month later with the passing of Buck O'Neil, who earned his team 6 additional points and a 123.5-116 lead. Down but not deterred, Red Auerbach's death at the age of 89 at the end of October put Ewing Oil back in control, 127-123.5. His 11 points turned the tide in favor of Ewing Oil once again, but a scoreless November would set the stage for the wildest finish in the history of Our Sick Game.
"Looking back, it's easy to see we were guilty of watching the scoreboard, just counting down the clock," says a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "We got tight and failed to make the right moves. We needed a Richard Pryor, but what we got was Bea Arthur."
What Sweet Valley Death got, with its 50th and final pick in the 2006 draft, was Joe Barbera. The least likely of playmakers, Barbera's death at the age of 95 provided a salt-in-the-wound blow to Ewing Oil. Not only did they lose another lead to S.V.D., but Barbera put his team ahead 128.5-127, a difference of 1.5 points. Ewing Oil's long, national nightmare continued as it saw Gerald Ford finally realize his potential, passing away at the age of 93. The 37th President of the United States contributed seven points to S.V.D., extending its lead over Ewing Oil to 135.5-127. With only days remaining in the game, Ewing Oil would need to turn to one of its strongest players to save the day: Saddam Hussein.
Following the report that Hussein would be executed on the final weekend of the year, Sweet Valley Death took out its lone insurance policy on the 69-year old Hussein. In an instant, Ewing Oil regained control with the 15.5 points awarded at the moment of insurance to take a 142.5-135.5 lead. Ewing Oil knew that its only shot for winning the season would be for Hussein's execution to take place after December 31, otherwise his points would be canceled out, Sweet Valley Death would earn 15.5 points, and thus, the win. What could have been an agonizing waiting game for Sweet Valley Death turned into ecstasy as the Iraqis, true to their word, executed Hussein on December 30. Ewing Oil could only watch in horror as news reports confirmed his death. Then, when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2007, Our Sick Game had a new champion. Sweet Valley Death had used insurance to its advantage at the last possible moment, upending the defending champions and denying them Hussein's coveted 31 points. The final score of 151-142.5 represented an astonishing amount of scoring which featured 12 deaths, and two insurance policies: one a failure, and one a success. The 2006 season is one that will never be forgotten, but fans of Our Sick Game can only hope that 2007 lives up to the classic that played out in 2006.
When Ewing Oil learned that Fidel Castro had temporarily relinquished power to his brother Raul, the news rocked the league-leader to its foundation. Castro represented a possible 21 points for Sweet Valley Death. His demise would put S.V.D. back in the game, as well as providing a tremendous momentum boost. When Ewing Oil took out an insurance policy on Castro, Sweet Valley Death immediately earned half of his total value, 10.5 points. As the world held its breath to see if Castro would survive his surgery and recovery, Ewing Oil staked its season on the hopes that he would not. When the 10-day insurance period passed, Ewing Oil became defenseless in the event Castro died before the end of the season. Sweet Valley Death would not only keep the 10.5 points, but would also be rewarded his total value at the time of his death, a potential 31.5 point swing.
"It really made sense to us at the time," says a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "We didn't know Castro would live. We had the chance to prevent Sweet Valley Death from gaining 21 points. It was a good deal on paper that soured towards the end."
Ewing Oil's misstep had immediate ramifications when Patricia Lawford Kennedy died in September, earning Sweet Valley Death 18 points to give them a 117.5-116 lead. Ewing Oil could only watch in horror as a once-sizable 27 point lead had evaporated by virtue of a failed insurance policy and the death of a Kennedy. Sweet Valley Death continued to pile on a month later with the passing of Buck O'Neil, who earned his team 6 additional points and a 123.5-116 lead. Down but not deterred, Red Auerbach's death at the age of 89 at the end of October put Ewing Oil back in control, 127-123.5. His 11 points turned the tide in favor of Ewing Oil once again, but a scoreless November would set the stage for the wildest finish in the history of Our Sick Game.
"Looking back, it's easy to see we were guilty of watching the scoreboard, just counting down the clock," says a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "We got tight and failed to make the right moves. We needed a Richard Pryor, but what we got was Bea Arthur."
What Sweet Valley Death got, with its 50th and final pick in the 2006 draft, was Joe Barbera. The least likely of playmakers, Barbera's death at the age of 95 provided a salt-in-the-wound blow to Ewing Oil. Not only did they lose another lead to S.V.D., but Barbera put his team ahead 128.5-127, a difference of 1.5 points. Ewing Oil's long, national nightmare continued as it saw Gerald Ford finally realize his potential, passing away at the age of 93. The 37th President of the United States contributed seven points to S.V.D., extending its lead over Ewing Oil to 135.5-127. With only days remaining in the game, Ewing Oil would need to turn to one of its strongest players to save the day: Saddam Hussein.
Following the report that Hussein would be executed on the final weekend of the year, Sweet Valley Death took out its lone insurance policy on the 69-year old Hussein. In an instant, Ewing Oil regained control with the 15.5 points awarded at the moment of insurance to take a 142.5-135.5 lead. Ewing Oil knew that its only shot for winning the season would be for Hussein's execution to take place after December 31, otherwise his points would be canceled out, Sweet Valley Death would earn 15.5 points, and thus, the win. What could have been an agonizing waiting game for Sweet Valley Death turned into ecstasy as the Iraqis, true to their word, executed Hussein on December 30. Ewing Oil could only watch in horror as news reports confirmed his death. Then, when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2007, Our Sick Game had a new champion. Sweet Valley Death had used insurance to its advantage at the last possible moment, upending the defending champions and denying them Hussein's coveted 31 points. The final score of 151-142.5 represented an astonishing amount of scoring which featured 12 deaths, and two insurance policies: one a failure, and one a success. The 2006 season is one that will never be forgotten, but fans of Our Sick Game can only hope that 2007 lives up to the classic that played out in 2006.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
2006 Our Sick Game Year in Review, Part 1
Someday in the future when historians look back at the 2006 season of Our Sick Game, several words are sure to come to mind: fantastic, glorious, dramatic, courageous, tragic, suspenseful ... just to name a few. The 2006 season produced a lifetime of classic moments on the world’s grandest stage. This season alone featured six lead changes, the final one coming prior to the last day of the season. This season both teams used their insurance policies, to varying degrees of success. This season both teams capitalized on their Moneyball selections, although neither 4th of July pick managed to come through. From the peaks to the valleys, the 2006 season of Our Sick Game will never be forgotten. Here follows Part 1 of the year in review:
Sweet Valley Death entered the 2006 season hungry, looking to avenge its disappointing showing in 2005. S.V.D. set the tone for the season by striking first on January 6 when its Moneyball selection, Lou Rawls, died at the age of 72 from brain and lung cancer. This earned S.V.D. a stunning 56 points right off the bat. Both teams coveted Lou Rawls during the draft, but by virtue of having the first pick, S.V.D. was able to select the five-tooler, who more than lived up to his pre-season hype. Just over one week later, S.V.D struck again, this time with two-time Oscar winning actress Shelly Winters. Her death at the age of 85 earned her franchise an additional 15 points, extending its lead to a seemingly-insurmountable 71 point lead. Ewing Oil managed to get on the board before the month ended, as Coretta Scott King’s death at the age of 78 helped earn 22 points for her team. After the first month, Sweet Valley Death held a substantial 71-22 lead.
Not content to let Ewing Oil savor its brief taste of success, Sweet Valley Death answered back within a week when Al Lewis, who played the character of Grandpa on “The Munsters,” died at the age of 82. With 18 more points, Sweet Valley Death held an 89-22 lead just five weeks into the season. On February 25, Ewing Oil got the jumpstart it desperately needed when its Moneyball selection, the legendary Don Knotts, died at the age of 81. His 38 points narrowed Sweet Valley Death’s lead to 89-60, but less than two weeks later the 2006 season of Our Sick Game was turned on its ear. The death of Ewing Oil’s Dana Reeve produced a record non-Moneyball point total of 56, and propelled Ewing Oil into the lead, 116-89. Once trailing by 71 points, three deaths in three months had suddenly given Ewing Oil a 27-point lead of its own.
This frenzy of death showed no signs of slowing down, but slow down it did following Reeve’s death. The months of April, May, June, July, and August failed to yield any deaths for Ewing Oil or Sweet Valley Death. That isn’t to say there wasn’t any action of significance. In the July 4th Supplemental Draft, with its first pick Sweet Valley Death selected Ismail Haniya, the political leader of Hamas and the Prime Minister of the Palestinian National Authority. With its selection, Ewing Oil drafted “Dr. Death” Jack Kevorkian. Unlike in 2005 when Ewing Oil’s selection of Peter Jennings proved successful, neither 2006 supplemental pick fulfilled their potential. By the end of the month, however, Ewing Oil would make a controversial decision that would change the course of the season, if not history itself.
TOMORROW: Part Two of the 2006 Year in Review
Sweet Valley Death entered the 2006 season hungry, looking to avenge its disappointing showing in 2005. S.V.D. set the tone for the season by striking first on January 6 when its Moneyball selection, Lou Rawls, died at the age of 72 from brain and lung cancer. This earned S.V.D. a stunning 56 points right off the bat. Both teams coveted Lou Rawls during the draft, but by virtue of having the first pick, S.V.D. was able to select the five-tooler, who more than lived up to his pre-season hype. Just over one week later, S.V.D struck again, this time with two-time Oscar winning actress Shelly Winters. Her death at the age of 85 earned her franchise an additional 15 points, extending its lead to a seemingly-insurmountable 71 point lead. Ewing Oil managed to get on the board before the month ended, as Coretta Scott King’s death at the age of 78 helped earn 22 points for her team. After the first month, Sweet Valley Death held a substantial 71-22 lead.
Not content to let Ewing Oil savor its brief taste of success, Sweet Valley Death answered back within a week when Al Lewis, who played the character of Grandpa on “The Munsters,” died at the age of 82. With 18 more points, Sweet Valley Death held an 89-22 lead just five weeks into the season. On February 25, Ewing Oil got the jumpstart it desperately needed when its Moneyball selection, the legendary Don Knotts, died at the age of 81. His 38 points narrowed Sweet Valley Death’s lead to 89-60, but less than two weeks later the 2006 season of Our Sick Game was turned on its ear. The death of Ewing Oil’s Dana Reeve produced a record non-Moneyball point total of 56, and propelled Ewing Oil into the lead, 116-89. Once trailing by 71 points, three deaths in three months had suddenly given Ewing Oil a 27-point lead of its own.
This frenzy of death showed no signs of slowing down, but slow down it did following Reeve’s death. The months of April, May, June, July, and August failed to yield any deaths for Ewing Oil or Sweet Valley Death. That isn’t to say there wasn’t any action of significance. In the July 4th Supplemental Draft, with its first pick Sweet Valley Death selected Ismail Haniya, the political leader of Hamas and the Prime Minister of the Palestinian National Authority. With its selection, Ewing Oil drafted “Dr. Death” Jack Kevorkian. Unlike in 2005 when Ewing Oil’s selection of Peter Jennings proved successful, neither 2006 supplemental pick fulfilled their potential. By the end of the month, however, Ewing Oil would make a controversial decision that would change the course of the season, if not history itself.
TOMORROW: Part Two of the 2006 Year in Review
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Fidel Castro Named MVP for 2006
In a fitting end to a wild season of Our Sick Game, Sweet Valley Death's Fidel Castro has been named the Most Valuable Player for the 2006 season. What makes this selection unique is that Castro did not die, but still played an enormous role in determining the outcome of the season. Ewing Oil's decision to take out insurance on Castro following his health scare in early August handed Sweet Valley Death the points that would ultimately lead to its victory. Without Castro, Sweet Valley Death would have fallen short and Ewing Oil would have won its second straight championship. In addition, Castro enters the 2007 with a legitimate shot to become the first, and possibly only player ever, to win back-to-back Most Valuable Player honors. Keep an eye on Castro, for he will be one to watch in 2007.Wednesday, January 03, 2007
A Commentary from Ewing Oil
Now, I know y’all have been waiting to hear from Ewing Oil. Waiting to talk about what just happened. Believe me, I’ve wanted to talk about this too. You see, just a few days a go Ewing Oil got kicked – and kicked hard. Despite our best efforts, we failed to win the 2006 season of Our Sick Game. Saddam Hussein did his best for us, but we we’re ruined once again by a doggone insurance policy. That brings me to my next point.As Owner/President/General Manager of Ewing Oil, I take full responsibility for allowing this season to slip away. On July 31, I did what I thought was the right thing by taking out an insurance policy on Fidel Castro. He seemed to be in his dying hours and I truly wanted to prevent Sweet Valley Death from earning 21 points. Of course, my plan backfired and that bearded son of a bitch is still alive today. Sweet Valley Death got 10.5 points the easy way, and as you know, they won the game by less than that amount. It hurts. But I’m not here to whine or wallow in my misery. I’m here to say that in 2007, Ewing Oil is going to be back bigger and better than ever.
I truly love our new roster, I really do. Ariel Sharon, our first overall pick, is the real deal. Why, right now he’s lying in some Tel Aviv hospital bed in a coma. If that don’t give you goose bumps, I don’t know what will! Suzanne Pleshette, this season’s Moneyball designee, is a five-tool performer. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Just wait, you’ll see. You like old women? Gloria Stuart, Jane Wyman, Olivia de Havilland, Lady Bird Johnson, Helen Thomas, and Phyllis Diller could all go at anytime. Fan favorites Walter Cronkite, Elizabeth Taylor, Andy Rooney and Ed McMahon are due for breakout seasons as well. So my advice to all you fans of Ewing Oil is this: don't bet against us. We temporarily lost our grip in 2006, but seeing someone else hold the Johnny Carson Cup has just made us want it more. And Ewing Oil always gets what it wants, no matter who or what, is standing in the way.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Survivor Series 2007 Picks
A new twist to this season of Our Sick Game is the Survivor Series. As you recall, each team will select 10 players from the other team's roster who they believe will not die in 2007. If each of the selected players remains alive at the end of 2007, 10 points will be awarded to the lucky team. No partial credit will be awarded. Mediocrity is frowned upon, not rewarded, here at Our Sick Game.
Sweet Valley Death:
Roger Ebert
Pope Benedict XVI
Gerald McRaney
Leslie Nielsen
Scott Weiland
Michael J. Fox
Pat Burns
Nicole Richie
Phil Lesh
Greg Page
Ewing Oil:
Vin Scully
Queen Elizabeth II
Annette Funicello
Lee Greenwood
Vern Troyer
Gary Glitter
Glenn Frey
Liza Minelli
G. Gordon Liddy
Gen Pervez Musharraf
Sweet Valley Death:
Roger Ebert
Pope Benedict XVI
Gerald McRaney
Leslie Nielsen
Scott Weiland
Michael J. Fox
Pat Burns
Nicole Richie
Phil Lesh
Greg Page
Ewing Oil:
Vin Scully
Queen Elizabeth II
Annette Funicello
Lee Greenwood
Vern Troyer
Gary Glitter
Glenn Frey
Liza Minelli
G. Gordon Liddy
Gen Pervez Musharraf
Moneyballs Announced
It's January 1, the start of the 2007 season of Our Sick Game, so that can only mean one thing: the long-awaited announcement of Moneyball selections. For the newly crowned champion Sweet Valley Death, the honor will go to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, who at 80 years old, would earn up to 40 points for S.V.D. Ewing Oil chose to designate newcomer Suzanne Pleshette, 69, as its Moneyball selection. Her death could earn Ewing Oil up to 62 points. Good luck to Sweet Valley Death, Fidel Castro, Ewing Oil, and Suzanne Pleshette in the upcoming season.
Sweet Valley Death, 2006 Champion
Congratulations to the winner of Our Sick Game 2006, Sweet Valley Death. S.V.D. proved its mettle over a grueling and exciting 12-month campaign, defeating previous champion Ewing Oil 151-142.5. As champion of Our Sick Game, Sweet Valley Death has earned a year with the Johnny Carson Cup, the most hallowed and cherished trophy in the world. In addition, S.V.D. has opted for a $50 gift card to Best Buy, forgoing the traditional DVD package going to the champion.Check back soon for a recap of the 2006 Our Sick Game season.
