Tuesday, July 31, 2007
WEST COAST OFFENSE! Walsh, Oil Hit Big
In a stunning display of quick-strike ability the likes of which Our Sick Game has never seen, Ewing Oil capped a historic day with the passing of Bill Walsh, its second death in a 24-hour period. Walsh, 75, followed the lead of Ingmar Bergman, 89, who gave his life for Ewing Oil on Sunday. The back-to-back deaths, worth 11 and 25 points respectively, have given Ewing Oil new life. The moribund franchise, which entered the month of July trailing by 164 points, has used four deaths in the month of July to cut that deficit to 164-77 with five months left in the season."That was unreal," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "First we get the call about Bergman, and while we're in the middle of celebrating that we hear that Walsh died, too. That is what I call true leadership. Bill Walsh, our 2nd rounder, was not about to be shown up by Ingmar freakin' Bergman. No way. Say what you want about the first six months of the season, but yesterday will go down in the books as the greatest day in Ewing Oil history."
Monday, July 30, 2007
Bergman Chips In for Ewing Oil
Ingmar Bergman has capped off what has turned out to be a rather successful month for Ewing Oil. His death on Sunday at the age of 89 adds another 11 points to Ewing Oil's total, while also giving his team a hat-trick for the month of July. This has proven to be quite the morale boost for Ewing Oil, though it still trails Sweet Valley Death by the large margin of 164-52."Look, we started out this month down 164. As far as I know there's no way to make that up in one death, even if you Moneyball an 18-year-old," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "The good thing here is we've gotten points from two players we weren't necessarily counting on, Lady Bird Johnson and Ingmar Bergman. Tammy Faye came through for us like a champ, and if we ever start getting contributions from our heavy-hitters, look out. This season ain't over."
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Tammy Faye Delivers for Ewing Oil
Ewing Oil now finds itself on a winning streak with the death on Saturday of Tammy Faye Baker Messner. Her death from cancer at the age of 65 gives Ewing Oil an additional 35 points and cuts the Sweet Valley Death lead to 164-41."We always believed in Tammy Faye," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "If anything we probably erred in not putting the moneyball designation on her in the first place. While her points are appreciated, we realize now that we let 35 more slip away."
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Slump Over, Ewing Oil Puts Six on Board
Finally! After a season-long slump that has seen Sweet Valley Death build up an insurmountable 164-0 lead, Ewing Oil finally scored its first points of the season yesterday with the death of Lady Bird Johnson. The former First Lady, 94, died of natural causes. A spokesperson for Ewing Oil said that his team would take the death, and the points, any way they could get them."Natural causes, lung cancer, bear attack, who cares at this point," the spokesperson said. "We're just tickled pink to finally get on the board. Nobody ever wants to get shutout. We've got a long way to go, but Johnson's death is one that we needed. She came though, now it's long over-due for some of our other leaders to step up."
With Johnson's death, Ewing Oil now trails Sweet Valley Death by the score of 164-6.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The Picks Are In...
It's Independence Day in America and that can mean one thing, and one thing only: The July 4th Supplemental Draft of Our Sick Game. Representatives from Sweet Valley Death were unable, or unwilling, to agree to conduct the draft in person so it took place this morning via a secure telephone line.
With the first pick in the draft, as expected, Ewing Oil selected the highly-coveted prospect from North Carolina, Elizabeth Edwards, 58. Edwards, the wife of presidential hopeful and psychic John Edwards, is currently suffering from stage IV cancer and undergoing treatment. She is also currently engaged in a public feud with conservative pundit Ann Coulter.
With their pick, Sweet Valley Death selected Tony Snow, 52, out of Washington, D.C. Snow serves as the White House Press Secretary and, like Edwards, is suffering from cancer. Earlier this year he missed nearly two months of work while undergoing treatment for colon cancer.
Sweet Valley Death, the defending champions of Our Sick Game, currently leads Ewing Oil 164-0.
With the first pick in the draft, as expected, Ewing Oil selected the highly-coveted prospect from North Carolina, Elizabeth Edwards, 58. Edwards, the wife of presidential hopeful and psychic John Edwards, is currently suffering from stage IV cancer and undergoing treatment. She is also currently engaged in a public feud with conservative pundit Ann Coulter.
With their pick, Sweet Valley Death selected Tony Snow, 52, out of Washington, D.C. Snow serves as the White House Press Secretary and, like Edwards, is suffering from cancer. Earlier this year he missed nearly two months of work while undergoing treatment for colon cancer.
Sweet Valley Death, the defending champions of Our Sick Game, currently leads Ewing Oil 164-0.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
At the End of June
With the first half of the season now history, Sweet Valley Death has extended its lead to an inconceivable 164-0 margin over Ewing Oil. A recap:
Sweet Valley Death:
January -- Art Buchwald, 19
February -- Anna Nicole Smith, 61
March -- Ernest Gallo, 3
April -- Kitty Carlisle Hart, 4, Boris Yeltsin, 24, Tom Poston, 15
May -- Jerry Falwell, 27
June -- Don "Mr. Wizard" Herbert, 11
Ewing Oil:
None
Sweet Valley Death:
January -- Art Buchwald, 19
February -- Anna Nicole Smith, 61
March -- Ernest Gallo, 3
April -- Kitty Carlisle Hart, 4, Boris Yeltsin, 24, Tom Poston, 15
May -- Jerry Falwell, 27
June -- Don "Mr. Wizard" Herbert, 11
Ewing Oil:
None
