Our Sick Game 2014

To replace the loss of Saddam Hussein going into the 2007 season, Ewing Oil has reclaimed Jack Kevorkian from Sweet Valley Death's roster. Dr. Kevorkian had been drafted by S.V.D. when Ewing Oil failed to protect him in last week's draft. In addition, Ewing Oil chooses to designate Kevorkian as a kepper for the 2007 season.
Since S.V.D. lost Kevorkian, it chose to select Louis Farrakhan, 73, as its replacement player. Welcome to Our Sick Game, Minister Farrakhan.

In the end, Sweet Valley Death used its insurance policy the way it was meant to be used. In doing so S.V.D. not only prevented Ewing Oil from netting any points off the death of Saddam Hussein, but also virtually guaranteed itself a championship. Last night when Hussein was put to death in Iraq, Sweet Valley Death collected 15.5 points, or half of Hussein's value. This output matched the 15.5 points Ewing Oil earned earlier in the day when S.V.D. took out an insurance policy not even lasting a full 24 hours. This proved to be a textbook example of how to use an insurance policy, and could not have come at a more critical time for Sweet Valley Death, with only 2 days remaining in the season. The successful policy also serves as a devastating blow to Ewing Oil, which would have won the game had Hussein survived into 2007. With less than 48 hours remaining in the season, and trailing by 8 points, Ewing Oil will need a miracle New Year's Eve death in order to overcome its current deficit of 151-142.5.

In a move that has created the most compelling moment in the history of Our Sick Game, early this morning Sweet Valley Death took out an insurance policy on Ewing Oil's Saddam Hussein. The 69-year-old Hussein is scheduled to be executed this weekend in Iraq. If he is executed before midnight Eastern Standard Time on Monday morning, Sweet Valley Death will have successfully blocked the points that would have earned Ewing Oil a victory. As it stands currently, Ewing Oil has regained the lead with only three days remaining in the season. Where all hope once appeared to be lost, Ewing Oil now leads 142.5-135.5 by virtue of Hussein's 31 total points (half of his point value, 15.5, is immediately awarded to Ewing Oil at the moment insurance is taken). If Hussein manages to survive into the new year, Ewing Oil will emerge as an unlikely champion in an unexpected and dramatic conclusion to the wildest season of Our Sick Game ever.

Last night I'm picking up dinner for Ann and the kids at Subway, and my agent calls and tells me that not only did my "team" not use one of their keeper picks on me, I went undrafted altogether. I was so upset that I couldn't eat my B.M.T., which is my most favorite sandwich, Allah be praised. What were they thinking?
Just because I didn't get around to dying in '06, how could they believe it wouldn't be the first thing I would do next year? I honestly intended to kill myself in December, but it got really crazy around here. Ann's parents came for Christmas and between buying gifts for the kids at the mall and taking my in-laws out to dinner, there wasn't time to think about strapping dynamite to my chest and blowing up a cafe full of zionist dogs in the most holy name of Allah.

Here are some notable stats to emerge from the 2007 draft:

Youngest player drafted:
Nicole Richie, 25 (Ewing Oil)

Oldest player drafted:
Ernest Gallo, 97 (Sweet Valley Death)

Number of players drafted by Sweet Valley Death between 30-69 yrs. old:
17 (4 in 2006)

Number of players drafted by Ewing Oil between 30-69 yrs. old: 13
16 (13 in 2006)

Number of players drafted by Sweet Valley Death between 90-99 yrs. old:
9 (8 in 2006)

Number of players drafted by Ewing Oil between 90-99 yrs. old:
7 (1 in 2006)

Total years drafted by Sweet Valley Death for 2007:
5,572 (4,001 in 2006)

Total years drafted by Ewing Oil for 2007:
5,804 (3,726 in 2006)

Avg. age of Sweet Valley Death draft picks in 2007:
76.6 (80.0 in 2006)

Avg. age of Ewing Oil draft picks in 2007:
77.3 (74.5 in 2006)

"Thanks for Nothing" Awards to players not returning to the game in 2007:
Dick Cheney, Courtney Love, Don Ho, Don Meredith, Gordie Howe, Mike Tyson, O.A. "Bum" Phillips, Katherine Helmond, Mike Martz, Margot Kidder, Tommy Lasorda, Bill Daily, Paul Tibbets, Art Donovan, Ismail Haniya, Della Reese, Walter Mondale, Norman Mailer, Dick Van Patten, and Calvert DeForest

Ewing Oil in 2006, Sweet Valley Death in 2007:
Kirk Douglas, Gene Wilder, Queen Elizabeth II, Don Herbert, Mel Brooks, Margaret Thatcher, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Gen. Pervez Musharraf, Jack Kevorkian, Tom Poston, Bob Dole, Gary Glitter, and F. Lee Bailey

Sweet Valley Death in 2006, Ewing Oil in 2007:
Billy Graham, Nancy Reagan, Henry Kissinger, Mike Wallace, Ingmar Bergman, Lady Bird Johnson, Ronnie Biggs, Eli Wallach, Scott Weiland, Olivia de Havilland, Ernest Borgnine, Sidney Potier, and Karl Malden

Rounding out the lineup for Ewing Oil and Sweet Valley Death are 10 keepers from the 2006 rosters.

Ewing Oil:
Muhammed Ali, 64
Walter Cronkite, 90
Estelle Getty, 83
Larry Hagman, 75
Charlton Heston, 83
Jack Kevorkian, 78 *
Ed McMahon, 83
Andy Rooney, 87
George Steinbrenner, 76
Elizabeth Taylor, 74

Sweet Valley Death:

Ed Asner, 77
Bob Barker, 83
Chuck Berry, 80
Fidel Castro, 80
Dick Clark, 77
Charles Durning, 83
Andy Griffith, 80
Roger Moore, 79
Stan Musial, 86
Pat Summerall, 77

* Kevorkian added as replacement following death of Saddam Hussein, 12/30/06

With the second overall pick in the draft, Sweet Valley Death selected gruff character-actor Wilford Brimley. Here are the complete draft results for Sweet Valley Death's 2007 draft.

1. Wilford Brimley, 72
2. Jerry Lewis, 80
3. Kirk Douglas, 90
4. Gene Wilder, 73
5. Vin Scully, 79
6. Queen Elizabeth II, 80
7. Don Rickles, 80
8. Boris Yeltsin, 75
9. Don Herbert, 89
10. Mel Brooks, 80
11. Annette Funicello, 64
12. Margaret Thatcher, 81
13. Eunice Kennedy Shriver, 85
14. Stephen Hawking, 64
15. Abe Vigoda, 85
16. Ruby Dee, 82
17. Lee Greenwood, 64
18. Osama bin Laden, 49
19. John Wooden, 96
20. Gen. Pervez Musharraf, 63
21. Hamid Karzai, 49
22. Jack Kevorkian, 78 *
Louis Farrakhan, 73
23. Iyad Allawi, 61
24. Vern Troyer, 37
25. Evel Knieval, 68
26. B.B. King, 81
27. Bo Didley, 78
28. Tom Poston, 85
29. Arthur C. Clarke, 89
30. Chuck Yeager, 83
31. Carl Reiner, 84
32. Art Buchwald, 81
33. Arnold Palmer, 77
34. Richard Dawson, 74
35. Bob Dole, 83
36. Art Linkletter, 94
37. Jonathan Winters, 81
38. Gary Glitter, 62
39. Charlie Watts, 65
40. Harry Morgan, 91
41. Casey Kasem, 74
42. Jerry Lee Lewis, 71
43. Joey Bishop, 88
44. Robert Byrd, 89
45. Christopher Lee, 84
46. George Kennedy, 81
47. Glenn Frey, 58
48. Dan Fogelberg, 55
49. Robert McNamara, 90
50. Les Paul, 81
51. Kitty Carlisle, 96
52. Liza Minelli, 60
53. F. Lee Bailey, 73
54. Jesse Helms, 85
55. G. Gordon Liddy, 76
56. Andy Williams, 79
57. Beverly Cleary, 90
58. Jerry Falwell, 73
59. Ernest Gallo, 97
60. Peter Gammons, 61
61. Carl Karcher, 89
62. Chuck Bednarik, 81
63. Gordon Hinckley, 96
64. Louie Anderson, 53
65. Anna Nicole Smith, 39

* Kevorkian reclaimed by Ewing Oil following death of Saddam Hussein

With the first overall pick in the draft, Ewing Oil selected the comatose Ariel Sharon. Here are the complete draft results for Ewing Oil's 2007 draft.

1. Ariel Sharon, 78
2. Bill Walsh, 75
3. Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, 64
4. Rowdy Roddy Piper, 52
5. Malcolm Glazer, 78
6. Billy Graham, 88
7. Nelson Mandela, 88
8. Nancy Reagan, 85
9. Henry Kissinger, 83
10. Mike Wallace, 88
11. Terry Jones, 64
12. Merv Griffin, 81
13. Jimmy Carter, 82
14. Roger Ebert, 64
15. Greg Page, 34
16. Betty Ford, 88
17. Eartha Kitt, 79
18. Sir Edmund Hillary, 87
19. Art Modell, 81
20. Phyllis Diller, 89
21. Sherwood Schwartz, 90
22. Phil Lesh, 66
23. Ingmar Bergman, 88
24. Gloria Stuart, 96
25. Gerald McRaney, 59
26. Lady Bird Johnson, 94
27. Tom McEwen, 83
28. Suzanne Pleshette, 69
29. Ronnie Biggs, 77
30. Ray Bradbury, 86
31. Ante Gotovina, 51
32. Helen Thomas, 86
33. Ken Kercheval, 71
34. Eli Wallach, 91
35. Pope Benedict XVI, 79
36. Jane Wyman, 89
37. Don Pardo, 88
38. Mickey Rooney, 86
39. Luciano Pavarotti, 71
40. George McGovern, 84
41. Bea Arthur, 83
42. Leslie Nielsen, 80
43. Harry Dean Stanton, 80
44. John Forsythe, 88
45. Scott Weiland, 39
46. Michael J. Fox, 45
47. Studs Terkel, 94
48. John Paul Stevens, 86
49. Ann B. Davis, 80
50. Olivia de Havilland
51. Dom DeLuise, 73
52. Rue McClanahan, 72
53. George H.W. Bush, 82
54. Mikhail Gorbachev, 75
55. Keith Richards, 63
56. Barbara Bush, 81
57. Betty White, 84
58. Luis Echeverria, 84
59. Ernest Borgnine, 89
60. Rosalyn Carter, 79
61. Karl Malden, 94
62. Pat Burns, 54
63. Sidney Potier, 79
64. Dom DiMaggio, 89
65. Nicole Richie, 25

It has finally happened. After nearly 24 months of relentless teasing, Gerald Ford has finally died at the age of 93. One of the most captivating, and at-times frustrating, players in the history of Our Sick Game, former President Gerald Ford leaves behind a rich legacy in this game and his impact will never be forgotten. His death extends Sweet Valley Death's lead over Ewing Oil to 135.5-127 with only 4 days remaining in the season.
In addition to his seven points, Ford's death gives Sweet Valley Death something else to think about heading into this evening's 2007 draft. Ford would have certainly found his way onto S.V.D.'s protected list, so now they must consider who will replace Ford at the top of their roster going into next season.
This morning a stunned Ewing Oil issued a statement through its spokesperson.
"Today we mourn the death of a great man, President Gerald Ford. His passing has definitely hurt our chances of catching Sweet Valley Death this season. This may be a blow that is too difficult for even us to overcome. Again, hats off to Sweet Valley Death for drafting Ford with the sixth pick. He was a slam-dunk all the way."

Sweet Valley Death had been promising a December surprise, and on Monday it delivered one of the biggest in the history of Our Sick Game. The death of animator Joe Barbera, 95, has propelled Sweet Valley Death into the lead with less than two weeks remaining in the 2006 season. Barbera's five points means that Ewing Oil now trails by the incredibly tight score of 128.5-127. Adding insult to injury for Ewing Oil, Barbera was the 50th and final player chosen in last year's draft by Sweet Valley Death.
"That is what I call drafting," said a spokesperson for Ewing Oil. "We select the Pope with our last pick and he's still alive and well. They take a low-value pick and look how it pays off for them. I tell you, between Barbera and Buck O'Neil, those 90+ year-olds just killed us."
Actually, what may have killed Ewing Oil was its now-infamous decision to take out insurance on Fidel Castro, thus awarding Sweet Valley Death 10.5 critical points. Talk amongst insiders is that Castro, not Barbera, is currently the favorite to win Most Valuable Player honors for his role in turning Our Sick Game this season.

Mark your calendars, fans of death. The draft date for the 2007 season of Our Sick Game has been announced for December 27 at 7:00 p.m. Which players will be selected? Which ones will be protected? And which will be dropped from Our Sick Game like a moldy bag of tangerines? Check back on December 28 for all the draft recap and breakdowns your brain can handle as we prepare for the best season of Our Sick Game yet!

Wow! Has it really been eleven glorious months, which have included nine dead corpses and one failed insurance policy? Apparently so, as Ewing Oil still leads Sweet Valley Death by the score 127-123.5 with only one month left in the season!

A recap:

Sweet Valley Death:
January -- Lou Rawls (moneyball), 56, Shelly Winters, 15
February -- Al Lewis, 18
July -- Insurance taken out on Fidel Castro (7/31), 10.5
September -- Patricia Lawford Kennedy, 18
October -- Buck O'Neil, 6

Ewing Oil:
January -- Coretta Scott King, 22
February -- Don Knotts (moneyball), 38
March -- Dana Reeve, 56
October -- Red Auerbach, 11